I haven’t written anything since January. That may be the longest I’ve gone without writing here in 15 years. I guess things are just too heavy, too overwhelming. Too much. Too painful. And they aren’t just my story any more. I am really brimming with the need to write, and yet, I’m unable to cross some imaginary line, one that only exists in my own head. One that protects those I love. One that maybe doesn’t even exist for them, and yet, I continue to protect them from my thoughts that stray over those lines. One that protects people i love who aren’t even my people any more.
Today was one of those heavy divorce days. A milestone day. Painful, heavy, funny. The kind of day that reminds you that you are a ship unmoored. That it’s just you and the open water. That you are alone. That you are the only one on the rudder, on the sails, looking to the horizon.
It was one of those days that you are confronted with age, mortality, what it means to be alone, what it means to ask where will I be? In a week? In a year? At the end?
I could write so much more. But the truth is, I’m scared that once I start, it will pour out in a torrent of pain, guilt, shame, sadness, negativity, anger, pride, indignation, and questioning that will alienate everyone I love. And then again, deep down, I know that i need to find out what’s on the other side of all of those mountains.
I find more and more that music is the only thing that really helps me right now. Because I don’t have to pretend that it’s my mind exactly. They are my theme songs. My sad soundtracks.
Today was this, again. (Always.):
And always. Back to this.
I guess I’m working back to the words. They are there. I’m just scared to put them out there. I’m just scared. I’m scared to cross the imaginary line. To face what it means. To face what people would think it means.
Postscript: There was a rainbow. A double rainbow. I know what it means. I’m just not ready yet.