Grief and Guilt

Grief is a funny thing. You think you have a handle on it, then it washes anew over you, catching you at the moment you least expect it. I finished up my breakfast, then brushed my teeth. Ready for my run, I headed for the hooks in the kitchen where we hang everything: Totes, my Grandma Palmer's aprons, keys, hats, hoodies, visor, Ipod.

Ipod.

I don't have an Ipod anymore. How the hell can i run without my Ipod, and how could I have forgotten her so easily? And of course, Todd took his with him to vote, so I am left here to drink coffee, atrophy, and mourn my Ipod once again.

And now I feel guilty for using my dead Ipod to get out of a run.

The Blazer Assuages Guilt

After my post on Wednesday, I started thinking: Wow, my husband might not be so jazzed about my discussing past smooches on my website, now that I am like a married woman and supposedly-upstanding citizen. It also occurred to me that the cheated-on ex might read that lovely little tidbit, but i am assuming that there is some kind of statute of limitations on how long after an incident one can still justifiably consider oneself wronged, especially when we haven't been together in almost ten years, and for the last six of those years the perpetrator (that would be me) has been happily married to someone else.

It's not like I've ever been fired for what I've written, but I have had a couple instances where people were not too happy about what I had written. Feelings have been hurt. People have worried that feelings would be hurt if certain people who don't read Dogwood Girl ever did come across it. Let me say for the record that I love my family and I love my in-laws, and truth be told, they are the absolutely most wonderful in-laws I could imagine having, even if they don't serve me wine on holidays. They are just very different from my own family, and it is in those differences that I often find humor and feel compelled to write about it. I am pretty open about what I say on Dogwood Girl, and I am not ashamed of anything I have written.

There are some things that I haven't written about, though; I am proud of the restraint I have shown in some cases. There have been times where it would feel really good to give someone a good razing, but diplomacy wins out, at least occasionally, with me. This is some great peak of maturation that I never thought I would begin to scale; I am not known for my tact. I am not known for my compassion, sympathy, empathy, sensitivity, or any pussy adjectives like that. I don't mean to hurt feelings, but I do mean to be honest and truthful and direct, and that often means that people get hurt. Oops.

Anyway, I was thinking about this when my husband came home from a work thing the other night. Todd is in advertising, and when ad people get together, they drink. Todd came in a little merry and I knew something had put him in a good mood. I wrote a while back about Todd's weight loss. (I am very proud of him.) Well, since he has lost the weight and started wearing the blazer, he is really starting to wrack up the female attention. Some of my married male friends have mentioned that girls come onto them more since they married than they did before. This is strange, but I can see it. Girls are bitches for the most part. Anyway, a friend of Todd's was talking to some girls at the party and I don't know the context of the whole conversation, but he said, "Are there any cute guys here?" Guess who one of them thought was the cutest guy there? Yep, that'd be my husband. I could tell Todd felt good about it (who wouldn't?) and maybe a little sheepish.

Me? I have no problem with it. I think he deserves every last bit of it and I like to see him feel good about himself. Also? It means that if he is at work parties talking to young girls (did I mention she was a young thing?) who think he is cute, then I can pretty much talk about whatever the fuck i want on here, with no guilt.

Will Run More. Or At Least Blog About Running More.

So, the new year is all about resolutions and that damned sticking to them. So, one of my resolutions was to run more. Haven't been so good at that - the kids and I have been sick for over two months, off and on, and we have been busy, blahblahblah. Enough with the excuses. I am going to try and be better. One way that I find to make myself better adhere to any resolution is to tell others what I want to do. It keeps me honest if everyone knows I am Eating Less, Drinking Less, Running More, Writing More. I wrote recently about overcoming my writing fear - part of that was saying on here, to lots of people who know me (and a few who don't) that I want to write more. Scary, but effective. I will now do the same with my running. I am going to start logging my runs, and my weekly mileage. Just to try and keep myself honest.

Today: 4.7 miles. Unfortunately, that is all i have done this week. Hope to do more before the yard sale on Saturday and my trip to Orlando on Sunday. (Looking forward to getting some running in while in Florida, though.)

Okay, now you know. There. I've said it. Help hold me to it. Guilt and embarrassment works.

Guilty Admission

I have a confession to make. Last night, when we were doing the usual spooning, foreplay, married sex thing, I couldn't help feeling guilty. I just couldn't stop thinking about this. I felt so guilty for enjoying every second of that video, huddled by the laptop with my headphones on, trying to conceal the irrepressible smile on my face, guilty for thinking that "Welcome to the Jungle" was pure genius, and how great is it that it lasted so long that they had to use the extended version?

Know what is better than an orgasm? Seeing Brandon Cox thrown down, and him getting up and losing his cool.

I am so sorry, baby. I had to say it.