I’ve had some sleepless nights of late. I lay awake, mulling over my thoughts and actions and reactions, worrying each piece of the puzzle, wondering if I did the right thing.
I did the right thing.
I did what I believe was the right thing to do. In tennis, there is a sweet spot on the racket. When you hit outside the sweet spot, the shot might feel okay, or it might feel completely off. When you hit the sweet spot, though. . . Oh, it just feels like the hand of God came down and made the shot perfect.
And that is how I feel when i go with my gut, say sincerely what i think is the honest truth, when I do what I feel is right. There is thinking involved, too (hence the sleepless nights), but more than anything, there is a sweet spot when I know that I have done what I know is right, in my heart. I feel it, in my heart. To do anything else is fake, inauthentic, or feels off. It’s like walking a balance beam – when I am following my heart, I am walking that beam with surety, looking ahead, in the zone. When i veer from what I believe in, I bobble, I wave my arms wildly, I have to stop and find my balance.
Sometimes finding my balance is easy. Sometimes finding my balance is so obvious a choice that everyone would agree that there’s pretty much only one way to find it. And then there are the times that keep me awake at night. The times when I find the sweet spot and take my shot and it feels perfect and fluid and magical. And then half the people in the crowd tell me that it was wrong. All wrong.
Yet it felt so sweet. But I lay awake pondering every mechanical piece of my swing, what I could have done differently, how each of those little differences would impact the other players, and what the reaction of the crowd would be.
And I realize that I cannot live with being anything but what I am, what I believe in, with sincerity, and thoughtfulness, and a true desire to help others, even when some don’t see that that is what I am doing.
I will stay lay awake at night, thinking about finding a balance. Because I don’t much give a damn what most of the crowd thinks. But I do care what I think about myself, about each shot. I know that my goal is the sweet spot, and that the shots I take must be true.
So, um, yeah. . . This is not really about tennis.