Deciding
You will feel immense relief. And fear. And sadness. And guilt. And uncertainty. And a vague excitement.
Kids
Your kids will ask why you cna’t go on vacation with them. You won;t be able to say, “I want to go but your father doesn;;t want me to go. You just say, this is how we will do vacations from here on out. You will just get more vacations.”
I know I cannot handle being around my friends and their kids right now. That makes me feel bad, too. I love my friends and their kids.
I have an invite by a couple of friends for Holy Taco, but they will probably have their kids and I don’t know if I want to deal with that.
Are you asking why I am packing? I think it is just that i have so much shit that i want to go through, and that I didn’t want the kids seeing me get emotional over the stuff. I am sure a lot of it is going to be emotional for me.
t is not really y’all’s kids. It’s the kids that I know, that are friends with my kids? If that makes sense. It would feel weird to be with the kids that are friends with my kids and my kids not be there.
Family
Telling the kids.
Parents
Inlaws
Friends
They pity. You will get so much pity from people.
You realize how far-reaching your family is and how many people it affects.
It seems like no one knows what to say to me or what to do, and I don’t know what I want from one minute to the next.
finding myself annoyed with the pity, concern, and people wanting to hug me. I know they mean well, but it just makes me feel worse.
I ended up being pretty blunt with some friends who were bringing me down like crazy, exactly with the hugs and the pitying looks. “I don’t have cancer, I’m not dying, I’m going through a divorce like 50% of the population. It sucks ass, hard, but I’ll be ok”.
Even if we all know it’s kind of sucking, let’s all pretend it’s not and have some drinks because the last thing i need is your fucking gloom on top of all of the shit and judgment I’m already getting, M’Kay?
“Shut up and just invite me out to get massages and drinks or go see a movie. No, I don’t want to hang out with you and your husband. Or your kids. I don’t want to sit around and talk about it ad nauseam, and I really don’t want you to ask me how I’m doing. I would just like to get drunk, and maybe laugh a lot.
I’m glad I posted this, because you two have made me feel not crazy, and validated the fact that I am not a terrible person because I am annoyed by the people who are trying to help me but don’t know how.
esus, you and Ashley really need to get out of my head. That is it exactly. “I suck.” Except that I know that i am human and I don’t really suck, but this situation definitely does. And there is that nagging voice that says, “Maybe YOU suck.”
You will have friends who know what to say. In most cases, those friends know what to say because they ahve been through it. The others can;t help it – it is just a singular experience. One that you can’t understand until you have been through it.
The fairy tale
et a lot of negative reactions you receive are folks projecting their stuff (worries about their relationships, hangups, wish they had your balls to change their situation, etc).
Likewise, people will say that they respect how gracefully you and your ex have handled the divorce.
people will say that if there are sides to be chose, they;re on your side. Even if you didn’t ask anyone to choose sides. Even if there AREN’T really sides.
Some people will say the right things. Like, “Well, just think of all the sex you’re going to have.” (Oh yes, because people are just lining up to date 45-year-old technical writers with teenage kids.) Actually, though, this is way better than the pity, because there is a ring of truth to it. One of the only positives is that, yes, you are free to have sex with anyone you want. (Or to not have sex at all.)
Your friends will ask you when you are getting on Tinder. You will feel sick to your stomach at the thought. You will say you’re not ready. You’re not ready. You feel broken.
You will go out with your friends and they will start this wingman thing where they keep an eye out for men for you. This is interesting, because all I can say is one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. A lot of hilarity will ensue. Hilarity is good for the soul. It gets you over the rough patches.
People will tell you it’s already over before the papers are even signed. They will tell you it is okay to have a one night stand. You will laugh hysterically, because you are in the middle of a divorce. The last hting you feel like doing is adding one iota of complication to the situation.
The Feelings
I now have my equity in hand (Minus about 8000 that todd still owes me) and I have an appointment with my attorney next Friday. I am going to start packing while the kids are gone. I have like a mental block about it right now. It’s like every step feels monumentally difficult, like i am walking in quicksand.
You will get have PMS and completely freak out about everything. Like, the worst PMS anxiety and sadness you have ever experienced. You will feel ALL THE FEELINGS.
Holidays: The Firsts. Brutal.
Limbo: Also just the fact that I am in limbo and i need stuff to do or am going to lose my shit.
That’s what people don’t realize, that as much as you don’t want to be married to a person, all of the stuff you shared is still things you deeply love and it hurts like fuck to be saying goodbye to so many possibilities that you once had and the people/kids you once were. That’s the knife in the gut. my soon to be past relationship is all tied up with my kids, who are my present and future. If that makes sense.
I also have a desire to be alone for moments and then a strong desire (fear?) of being alone here in the house. Very strange for me, because I actually am usually okay alone.
ll say a phrase that someone is else said to me recently. “Allow yourself to stay low.” Allow yourself to mourn. Allow the quicksand feeling to be there and seep in as much as it needs to. Allow the grieving to happen. What you are going through sucks, there is no way around that. This will not last forever but don’t force yourself to feel any sort of way because you think it is more acceptable to others.
And I did feel that way last night. I was feeling ALL the feelings about helping the kids pack for the beach, and i posted some sad shit. I later woke up at 3 am thinking, fuck, this is going to make everyone pity me more, and make others uncomfortable. I took out the sad shit.
You will be angry. And sad, and escited. Sometimes all a tthe same time, and other times all iwithin the same hour.
I also don’t have any expectation that I will ever get over this, but I do think that finally settling into my new normal will clear things up for me to do things that make my new normal a happy one.
It’s just one thing to have things befall you, and a whole other feeling, when you know that the things you are going through could have been different, and are the direct result of your own poor decisions, or inability to see things happening. while divorce is not a death or deadly disease, it comes with its own unique set of “I suck” feelings.
You will be in a dark place and yet you will always have other people in your life who are going thorugh something far worse. This will give you persepctive.