What it feels like to fall off the face of the earth

I know there are people who read my blog who wonder why I fell off the face of the earth.

I haven’t been able to write.

I know that sounds stupid, and in other times, times where I was blue, or down, or angry, i figured out something to write anyway, even if I wrote something meaningless, or if I just posted a picture with a caption.

All of my pictures right now have very dark captions.

I pride myself on honesty and truthfulness, and right now? My truth is dark, and undecided.

My dog died. He was, honest-to-God, the best friend I ever had. He wanted nothing and gave me everything. And somehow, i haven’t been able to write about him, because to put it down in writing makes it real and final, and I am not quite ready for that.

My cousin was murdered. I thought avoiding writing about the dog was painful. How do you write about a wonderful woman, who made you laugh, and shared your love for gardening and trivia, and who had a wicked sense of humor, and for many years grossed you out with her vodka and milk, who had her life taken from her by some piece of crap human for $600 dollars? And how do you write about her family who will never know the truth about what happened to her and yet have to live with the knowledge that no matter what exactly happened, it was awful and violent and that she must have died in fear?

And how do you write about all of this without finally coming to a damn decision about whether or not you believe in God? How do you write about losing loved ones if you don’t even know in your heart what became of them? How do you admit to those that love them, admit to yourself, that you don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell, or if we simply become the earth and food for worms?

I wish that i could be one or the other: An atheist firm in her belief that this is all there is; Or a woman with faith – faith that there is meaning in the midst of senseless pain and suffering. I wish that I could be ignorant and firm in the belief that there are things that exist that cannot be explained. Or intelligent and arrogant enough to believe that science is tantamount, and that nothing exists than cannot be explained.

I am just a girl caught in the middle, that wants so badly to believe, but can’t quite convince herself that there is anything there to believe in.


  7 comments for “What it feels like to fall off the face of the earth

  1. June 25, 2011 at 7:59 am

    You don’t have to decide.

    You can believe or not believe (or both) any day of the week. If it comforts you to believe or go through the ritual of a Mass or a prayer (it does me), do it. If not, that is OK. Just do what you need to do to find your place in the sun again.

  2. Leelee
    June 25, 2011 at 8:45 am

    I could have written that (although it wouldn’t have sounded as good,) I feel the same way.

  3. Camille
    June 25, 2011 at 9:06 am

    I am so sorry for all that you have been through. All I can say is that I love you. I don’t have it all figured out either, but I find that when I do have faith, God comes through. I love what Steph said, too. You don’t have to decide. That’s beautiful.

  4. June 25, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Thanks, Steph. I think that is pretty much where I am of late. Swinging like a pendulum. @Leelee, i know. I am sorry if it was painful to read. I am sorry if it is painful for anyone to read, including mom and dad, or those who have lost folk and don’t want to hear my wavering. Camille, I love you, too. Like a sister.

  5. June 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Anne- My heart goes out to you. I too, lost a cousin to murder. He was a college student and was murdered about 12 yrs ago while walking his g’friend home from a party. The man who killed him was on a spree that summer and killed others as well. He had the nickname The Railroad Killer b/c that is where he usually found his victims. Chris’s girlfriend was beaten and raped, but now, years later, she is married and runs a shelter for victims of abuse. I remember being in Publix that summer and seeing Chris’ picture on the cover of People magazine, it was very surreal.

    I hear what you are saying about faith vs unbelief. I do think that Steph said it best. Whatever gets you through is all you can do right now. Lean on others, let others give you their prayers and good thoughts. Find joy in the small everyday things. Being open to that will help you, little by little. All of you are in my prayers.

  6. June 25, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Anne- Here is the article from wikipedia about my cousin’s killer. He was caught and executed. It was the summer I was married when this happened, so 14 yrs ago. Even though he was caught and eventually executed, it still hurts to know how he died. Like you said, knowing he died in fear and pain is just damn hard. Love to you~

    7. August 29, 1997, Lexington, Kentucky, Christopher Maier, 21 years old. He was a University of Kentucky student walking along nearby railroad tracks with his girlfriend, Holly, when the two were attacked by Reséndiz, who bludgeoned Maier to death with a 52 pound rock. Reséndiz raped and severely beat Maier’s girlfriend, who nearly died as a result. Holly Dunn Pendleton, the only known survivor, went to appear on the Biography channel television program “I Survived,” and currently helps other victims of rape, sexual assault, and crime. She also founded “Holly’s House” in her native Evansville, Indiana to benefit those victims of rape, sexual assault, and crime as well as working closely with RAINN. She was featured in the June 19, 2009 issue of People magazine.

  7. June 27, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    I lost my father unexpectedly when I was 19 to a heart attack. I lost my best friend when I was 24 to a drunk driver.

    I remember people telling me they were in a ‘better place’ and all I could do was rant at them. I still rant at the phrase “I’m sorry for your loss”. People STILL freaking say that when they hear about my father passing and it’s been over 20 years. I have finally learned to NOT rant at people when they say it, but it’s been a long, tough road. I have learned what NOT to say to people when they lose someone. For starters, I don’t say I’m sorry. I say I hate hearing that and that since that’s the pat phrase, I really don’t know what to say.

    I was raised Catholic. I never really put much thought into what I supposedly believed because I was always told what I believed. Somewhere in my 20’s I realized I didn’t really believe that, but didn’t know how to say that. To this day, I believe there is a higher power running things, but it’s not what I was told to believe in. I hear doubting is a good thing. I doubt and question quite a bit.

    I know that my father & my best friend are nearby. I have felt their presence when I’ve been going through tough times. There are things that cannot be explained, but until I experienced them, I didn’t think it was so. Now I do. I also think that we are all here for a given time and even when we are taken away in a way that’s unexpected to our loved ones, it’s part of some master plan. I believe that good can come from bad, even if you sometimes have to look hard for it, and sometimes it takes a long time, years even, to find it.

    What Steph said. You have to do what makes you find your place in the sun. Who cares what other people think or say about it. You simply cannot go through life trying to please all the people all the time.

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