I know there are people who read my blog who wonder why I fell off the face of the earth.
I haven’t been able to write.
I know that sounds stupid, and in other times, times where I was blue, or down, or angry, i figured out something to write anyway, even if I wrote something meaningless, or if I just posted a picture with a caption.
All of my pictures right now have very dark captions.
I pride myself on honesty and truthfulness, and right now? My truth is dark, and undecided.
My dog died. He was, honest-to-God, the best friend I ever had. He wanted nothing and gave me everything. And somehow, i haven’t been able to write about him, because to put it down in writing makes it real and final, and I am not quite ready for that.
My cousin was murdered. I thought avoiding writing about the dog was painful. How do you write about a wonderful woman, who made you laugh, and shared your love for gardening and trivia, and who had a wicked sense of humor, and for many years grossed you out with her vodka and milk, who had her life taken from her by some piece of crap human for $600 dollars? And how do you write about her family who will never know the truth about what happened to her and yet have to live with the knowledge that no matter what exactly happened, it was awful and violent and that she must have died in fear?
And how do you write about all of this without finally coming to a damn decision about whether or not you believe in God? How do you write about losing loved ones if you don’t even know in your heart what became of them? How do you admit to those that love them, admit to yourself, that you don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell, or if we simply become the earth and food for worms?
I wish that i could be one or the other: An atheist firm in her belief that this is all there is; Or a woman with faith – faith that there is meaning in the midst of senseless pain and suffering. I wish that I could be ignorant and firm in the belief that there are things that exist that cannot be explained. Or intelligent and arrogant enough to believe that science is tantamount, and that nothing exists than cannot be explained.
I am just a girl caught in the middle, that wants so badly to believe, but can’t quite convince herself that there is anything there to believe in.