I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I thought that I had a cold that was lingering, but i think it is actually allergies. I have been coughing every night when I go to bed. It is a tickling, itchy cough, and once I get started, I can’t get rid of it. Thinking it was a cold, I took Theraflu Cold and Cough before bed. Didn’t work. Last night, I tried a Claritin, and it either worked, or I was so exhausted that I finally fell asleep during the coughing. I am going to try one again tonight and see what happens.
Anyway, I was in the throes of being unable to sleep, with Todd snoring lightly next to me (not an annoying snore, except that it was adding insult to injury, since I would have loved to be snoring.) The cats were walking all over my legs, trying to find a comfortable place and I was frustratedly kicking my legs to displace them from being pinned down by fat cats. I had been drinking a lot of water, trying to diet, so I had to pee. I got up, and as usual, went into the bathroom, didn’t turn on the light, and sat down on the toilet.
And kept going.
Is there any worse feeling than being half asleep, thinking as you sit down on the toilet that there is a seat down, and finding your butt going farther than you thought it would, and realizing a split second too late to pull up that there is nothing there, and that you are going to be sitting on a dirty toilet bowl rim? (I have a 6-year-old boy – just imagine how disgusting my toilet bowl rim can get.) Or that your butt will be touching toilet water?
I jumped back up, butt wet and images of the most disgusting my toilet bowl has ever been in my head. I grabbed the towel hanging over the shower door and wiped my bottom and back of my legs, then threw the towel down on the floor in anger. I cussed. A LOT.
Damn it! Why are men so fucking incapable of putting a fucking toilet seat down on a fucking toilet????!!!! I should march right in there and punch his lights out. I should scoop a cup of water out of that toilet and go in there and dump it on his fucking head!
I didn’t do any of that. I didn’t even say it out loud. I just threw the towel on the floor and climbed back in bed, hoping for sweet, relieving sleep. Okay, that’s a lie. Maybe I stomped in to the bedroom and jumped back in bed, and sighed a lot, and pulled the covers back over me very dramatically and very loudly. The snoring continued.
This morning, I overslept and Rollie missed the bus, and I had to drive him to school (The principal was the one that helped him out of the car, making me feel guilty, seeing the hazmat site that is my car, and with Rollie clutching his breakfast – a South Beach Diet bar and cup of milk. Oh, the shame!) I got back home, and Todd came down from taking his shower, all clean and dressed and ready for work. I had cooled off from the evening’s toilet adventures and I was drinking my coffee.
Me: “Did you sleep well?”
Todd: “Yeah, I slept hard. You?”
Me: “Not really. I coughed a lot. And baby, I love you, but you gotta put the toilet seat down. I fell in the toilet in the middle of the night.”
Todd laughs.
Me, eyes narrowing: “Did you use the towel that was in there? The one on the floor?”
Todd: “Yeah, why? The kids always pull them down when they are drying their hands.”
Me, smiling angelically: “No reason.”