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Empty House, Full of Prophetic Dreams

Tuesday, May 30th, 2017

This dream was lost to me until a conversation reminded me of it, but it’s horror is so unusual for me, I wanted to write it down. It seemed crazy and out of nowhere at the time, and then upon further reflection, it made all the scary sense in the world. Sometimes dreams mirroring real life before it happens can be most terrifying of all.

I’m in the house he and I first lived in together. It is furnished just the same. A veterinarian lives there now, with her husband and pets, and they made it a bigger house, but in my dream it is the same small one he and I shared.

He is gone. I wander through the rooms, looking in each one, even in the closets and behind the shower curtain. I look out into the yard, on the screen porch that does not exist anymore, the one where he held the kitten in his coat while we smoked cigarettes, the one where he brought me home the puppy. He is not there.

I walk back into the room, and there is an old friend. He smiles and I am happy to see him and to hear his voice. I have missed him and worried about him. He goes to the bathroom. I notice his friend sitting there on my couch. I thought they weren’t friends anymore. I thought they had a falling out. I am glad to see him, too, and I tell him:

“I am glad to see you, but I’m surprised you’re back.”

“I’m back for a reason,” he says, and there is meaning, but I cannot decipher it.

Our friend walks back in the room. He is ashen, grayish, emaciated, and no longer wearing a shirt, only too-large jeans held up only by a belt. He looks at me with sorry eyes, and he drops to his knees, and opens his mouth to say something, but all that comes out is blood, all over our old carpet and his own porcelain white chest.

Posted in Angst, Death, Dreams, Marriage, Writing | No Comments »

Pride, Humility, Change, Gratitude, Acceptance, Truth

Sunday, May 28th, 2017

This kid. Like most people, I post about the good stuff that happens with my kids. Like when he went to the county for the spelling bee. (That’s him with his certificate in the photo.) Or the funny stuff, like when out of nowhere, he asked me about very explicit sex stuff in front of the waiter at a restaurant a couple months ago. Stuff like that. The stuff that entertains and brings joy and laughter and that, for some kids, comes easy. Spelling comes pretty easy to my kid. So does his unabashed open and honest curiosity, and a willingness to talk about stuff people like to pretend don’t exist or at least those subjects that people are uncomfortable talking about. And I want him to be able to talk to me about stuff.

But this year is a little different. This year wasn’t all good. This year, he took on a pretty hard math class, and he struggled a little bit for the first time. He said things like, “I’m not good at math.” He also struggled with disorganization. He struggled with motivation. He didn’t turn all his homework in. He didn’t like ELA (that’s English to us old folks) any more. He still read constantly for pleasure, but he wasn’t enjoying school. At one point during progress reports, he had a failing grade in more than one class. (He may have gotten that from his mother, too, admittedly. Genetics are a bitch.) He had been scared to tell us he was struggling and things spiraled and we had no idea.

So, we told him he could always tell us anything. And then we buckled down. He lost some privileges and we set guidelines for what we expected out of him. We also, concerned about his motivation about school, suggested to him that he might want to consider applying to a theme school for the arts. We took him to the school to learn more about it. He learned about the academic requirements for getting in and staying in the school.

We saw a change in him. He was inspired by the students who talked about school and how much they liked it. He decided to apply. He worked on the application himself. He prepared for the music audition and put together writing samples, and sought out recommendations from teachers and counselors. He auditioned and got a spot, knowing that he could not go to the school if he didn’t get his grades back up.

And he did. He got his grades back up. Not all the way to all As and Bs all year, as he’s gotten in the past, but enough to keep him eligible. He worked hard at it.

So, it was odd to see him walk across the honors stage and just get the one award for the spelling bee. The one he didn’t have to work that hard to get, because it comes naturally to him. (Not that we weren’t immensely happy with that award too – we were.) But just the one – No Principal’s award, or Cougar of the Year (no laughing), or Scholar’s awards. And it was actually the proudest I’ve ever been of him, knowing how much he worked this year, knowing that he finally struggled and faced some adversity and he rose to the occasion, even if they don’t give awards for that. Knowing that he wanted something and he worked for it.* (Side note: How many other kids faced adversity and came out the better for it and never got a certificate or accolades for it? Guess that’s a post for another time.)

I was proud of me, too. It’s been a rough year for me. The roughest one I have had yet in my life, by a mile. I suspect that I will have harder ones. I’m proud of the fact that even when preoccupied with all of the other work/life/health issues my family dealt with, that we as parents didn’t drop the ball on supporting the kids.

I’m proud of what I’ve learned about life and about myself. I’m learning to be okay with getting by, with being thankful for my two healthy children. They don’t need to be child prodigies, Einsteins, stars, best in class, fastest, brightest, anythingest. They just need to know that I will love and support them, no matter what. Heck. I’m an adult and I needed to hear that lately from people I love.

Difficulty can make one stronger, but I was already pretty strong. Difficulty actually brought me to my knees and humbled me and taught me about getting to the other side, and about acceptance. I’ve learned to be more open-minded, less judgmental, to see more than one side of things, to not make assumptions. I’ve learned that even really good, smart, decent, loving, respectful people make mistakes or become bogged down in things they cannot for the life of them figure out how they got into in the first place, and that they are often right there in the muck of it all with other good people, all of them and everyone around them unable to face, much less say, their truth. Instead they can’t figure out how to communicate, so they shut down and numb themselves with the thought that what they’re feeling is normal. I know now that you can bury a feeling with all you’ve got, but it will find a course out into the light.

I’ve realized that the most I can do is try to rectify wrongs and the things I’ve left unsaid, and if I can’t fix them, at least I can acknowledge them. I realize that some things just happen and there isn’t a discernible reason. That coincidence or fate or happenstance are all just words for change and change is inevitable. That some things cannot be prevented; That some things cannot be fixed. That sometimes all you can do is be honest with yourself and those around you, and then hope for the best. That sometimes what you get is not what you might have wanted, but that you might be amazed at and admire how people handle things and what they give back to you. That you end up respecting them more for hearing your truth, and telling you theirs.

I’ve learned that being honest is more valuable than acting out of fear. I’ve learned that fear is often just being scared of hurting those we love, or of losing their love or admiration. That sometimes you find yourself in a mess because you were trying not to hurt or lose others. But when you put honesty out, you will likely get it back tenfold, even if it is painful and scary to hear. And you will know how to proceed. You find a place where you realize that everything will be okay, except when it’s not, and you’ll get through that too, hopefully with some semblance of grace and peace. (And hopefully with more yoga and less wine.)

I’ve learned that all the facades and paths and channels and expectations we are given are just guidelines and that I have to make my own way, because there is no one right way to live, and that my way is truth. When I follow the truth in my head, heart, and gut, the gnawing, sick, churning and burning in my very bones will go quiet and I will know which direction to take.

Truth is, deep down I knew it all along: I just never had it tested in such a complete and totally tectonic plate-shifting way until now.

And so I sat in that gym today, watching my boy walk across the stage and afterwards, I hugged him and told him I loved him, and took his photo out in a sunny courtyard, and I felt a peace and gratitude that I have not felt in a long while. Sure, he’s the best speller. But more importantly, he’s good enough at all the other stuff. And I’m good enough too, even if I am not the most perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, employee. I’m good enough if I actively seek my truth, and support those who seek their own truths, even if they are different than mine.

If you are reading this, and you need to hear it, know this: You are good enough, too. Just follow your truth.

*Bold, because if he reads this, I want him to see that I was immensely proud of him today, and that he inspired this post, and that I want him to always follow his truth.

Tags: truth
Posted in Angst, Beauty, Education, Family, Life, Marriage, Musings, Parenthood, Rollie, Writing | 2 Comments »

Not Truly Broken

Saturday, May 27th, 2017

When that personwho has known you your whole life says exactly the right thing.

Tags: Not Broken
Posted in Angst, Beauty, Life, Marriage | No Comments »

The Followup

Thursday, December 4th, 2014

Let’s get one thing straight. If you are looking for answers, I don’t have any. I repeat: I have no answers to the questions I posed in my midlife crisis sex and marriage posts, and you are not going to find them here. You will, however, find a lot more questions, and a sense that maybe, just maybe, you are not so different after all.

I recently wrote about my . . . I hate to call it midlife crisis, because you know, midlife?, but I guess that’s what it is. I received lots of feedback. Like, more feedback than I have gotten on anything I have ever written before. I heard from singles, marrieds, straight, gay, bi, divorced, separated, widowed, and remarried. I heard from old friends, new friends, neighbors, acquaintances, former coworkers, family. Lawyers, doctors, teachers, ministers, friends’ mothers (not even kidding), and people who are friends of friends who had been forwarded the post. (Thank you to those who shared my post, and especially the ballsy-themselves folks who shared publicly. I don’t delude myself into thinking that it has anything to do with my writing skill, as much as the fact that the subject struck a chord with a lot of people, and, you know, it was about sex. Everyone loves to talk about sex.

Getting all those comments, and the majority of them were private, was pretty wild. On the one hand, people are praising my writing, my balls, my husband’s balls (which are HUGE), my parents’ balls even, and the fact that I put out there something that affects so many people, but no one ever really seriously talks about. I got a lot of comments about how strong my marriage must be . . . which makes me feel a little self-conscious. Because no one is perfect, and no marriage is perfect. I am far from perfect. My husband is pretty close, but we are not perfect.

On the other hand, the vast majority of folks I talked to are in differing states of marital or relationship or life or work turmoil. I found the overall experience to be very humbling. I was so very overwhelmed that I still can’t wrap my head around it all, so I am just going to give you an idea of the things I heard over the last week. I am also doing this because so many of you asked what kind of response I had, and I think a lot of people are looking for validation, solidarity, and frankly, an answer to the question of how to fix the problems.

There were lots of folks who identified with what I wrote

“You wrote about so much of what’s in my bag.”

“I’m so in the middle of that right now. There are many days when I just want to get in my car, leave all this behind and drive. To where? Who the F cares?? Just not here!”

“Honestly I think you opening it up and discussing it with folks means a lot to people. And something good has to come of it. And I think the fact that you can talk about it with your husband so openly means a lot and is eye opening to people.”

“That was beautifully painful to read.”

“Somewhere you crawled inside my head and listened to my thoughts.”

“Well, if you could cookie cutter how I was feeling and the emotional roller coaster I was going through a year ago. It would be in the shape of your cookie.”

“Thank you for putting yourself out there. You have a beautiful insight.”

” I admire your honesty about marriage, sex, and middle age. Thank you for being vulnerable.”

“I can relate to what you wrote and have witnessed the same thing among quite a few 40-something friends and in my own life.”

“I want to thank you for writing your last two blog posts. I know from personal experience that it was difficult to both talk to your husband and write the posts and address the elephant in the room.”

“Your post could have been my post almost exactly.”

“WAIT, women are freaking out over this too?!”

There were a lot of people expressing that they have trouble thinking about these issues, much less talking about it

“I wish I was so brave to be honest with myself AND everyone else. You and your husband both have huge balls.”

“Ballsy. Wow, your husband is pretty badass.”

Here’s Hope: Some People Are Really Truly Fully Happy in Their Marriages

“Being married is work and it’s never perfect. I suppose it just means taking the longer view and wondering, is it worth dismantling what you’ve built together? Because the dismantling is also work- in fact, it seems to me like it might be more work than just working through.”

“I don’t think marriage matters . . . I actually didn’t want to marry my husband at first because I feared being married meant you were trapped (as I had been), but if you weren’t married, you could always walk away at any time, which meant you had to work hard to keep the passion. Freedom is power, but also means it’s reciprocal. We did marry, and I’m very glad we did, but marriage to me is a construct. You should always know you can get out, but so can they.

As a counterpoint, I “do” monogamy because the idea of intimacy without anyone else but my husband makes me feel dull, sad and a bit ill. I’m not religious, it’s not religion, and I’ve made some close to questionable choices in the past (before him) so it’s no ones mores but my own. Trying to put a label on “how I’m supposed to feel about sex in my 40s” only makes sense assuming everyone is exactly the same, and that’s just not the case. I don’t care what other people do, frankly, but I just find most other men to be boring and “not for me”. My ex husband was pretty much what it was like being married to a buddy and we’re now divorced. My husband is not my buddy, he’s my lover and I want him every minute of every day and thankfully it’s reciprocal. It’s hard to label people’s sex drive as normal or not. It’s all normal. . . I’m reacting to the concept that monogamy is unnatural for everyone. I don’t think that’s true in my case, with this particular man. In the past I’ve been bored shitless, so yes, if I were answering this many years back, I may have had a different answer.”

“Everyone goes through periods, though, where the dust needs to be kicked up. No relationship is perfect. I’m sure having no kids helps a lot. Not that people with kids don’t have the same desire to be with one person, I just naturally think it would be harder with additional humans in your relationship and would take more work to keep focused on the relationship, sexual and non-sexual, as the most important thing.”

But those folks were in the definite minority. (And I also realize that the most respondents are obviously going to be people for whom it struck a chord – people who are having some kind of issue. The people who are happy for the most part, maybe those people didn’t feel strongly enough to even respond.)

But, oh y’all. . . I heard a lot. Funny, sad, matter-of-fact, regretful, angry, guilty, giddy. . . You name it, i heard that emotion.

People in Marriages with Little to No Communication

“Living here essentially . . . with extremely dysfunctional communication”

Financial Pressures

“You know what kills the romance? Money problems. So helps your sex life if you’re rich.”

Lack of Affection

“My problem is not sexual….although having sex twice a year for several years in a row doesn’t help. It’s affection and it’s even more than that.”

Masturbation

“Am I a freak because i never, EVER masturbate to thoughts of my husband? I think men acknowledge this all the time. Women hide it.”

“I masturbate to thoughts of my wife, just not that often. And it usually involves her along with someone else.”

There were people who have almost taken the plunge to seek sex outside marriage

“I came so close to making the jump to affair..I’m such an open book i told wife immediately after I broke it off.”

I should also point out that “seek” was the wrong word to use. People have things happen to them. A ton of people told me of just suddenly finding themselves in situations that seems innocuous at first and then suddenly had them reeling.

Some of these were too personal for me to quote (the one above was a public comment, so I used it), but suffice to say that people are having all sorts of . . . well, there were some affairs mentioned, but those were a small number as compared to the smaller things. A stolen kiss. A friend’s husband who went a little too far at a party. Emotional affairs with coworkers. Texting and Facebook messaging gone awry. (There was a lot of this y’all. A LOT.) Some people nipped it in the bud. Some people gave in. The most interesting thing here is how torn they all felt about it. If it felt natural to them, and so good, even the emotional part of it, then what is so bad about it and why do we have this marriage thing that might just be making us all crazy?

A few other quotes along these lines: “I’m fond of quoting Perry F these days in saying that there really isn’t much right or wrong. Just pleasure and pain of one sort or another.”

“Right and wrong are societal constructs… just like… marriage.”

People are Often Staying Together For the Kids

A lot of the time it is not just the marriage, but the kids that are holding things together. I got a LOT of comments about that.

“If it wasn’t for the kids, I don’t think we would be together. They are about the most real part of all this.”

“Why the f* else would anyone bother getting married?”

There were a surprising (to me) number of people who feel uncomfortable or brought down by their work situation

“I totally understand the not being able to be yourself at work. I constantly have to tone down and even then I am still “too loud.” . . . Sorry for the rambles but everything you said about work–me.freaking.too.”

There were people whose sex drive or desire was out of line with their partner’s, and not all sex drives are the same it seems

“Would you mind slipping my wife some of whatever you have?”

“I’m so jealous of your sex drive, I can’t even stand it!!!” (This was two friends in a discussion with me, but the jealous was directed at my friend – Yes, there are a number who are wanting it way more than I am.

“We probably average about 3 times a day. Definitely a minimum of twice, always before we get up in the morning and before we go to sleep at night. On weekends when we’re together all the daylong we usually have it at some point during the day, sometimes more than once.”

“I’ve always wanted it a lot, but I have been in relationships, especially my marriage, where it was more like once every 6 weeks or some such. And I told myself that I was being selfish. Which is bullshit. You’re allowed to feel however you want about it. I’m just lucky that I finally found a partner who reciprocates. . . . if you DON’T want to have the sexing very often, that’s fine, too! My ex-husband just didn’t want it. There is/was nothing wrong with that! It just meant we were mismatched. If there are lower-sex-occurrence relationships, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re unhappy. Often it does, but I just don’t think we should vilify people if it happens that they’re not highly sexual. Our society tends to do that. And then vilify people who ARE highly sexual. So we should get off that vilification train.“

There were a number of men that bristled at the thought that men might peak sexually in their teens

“The ‘men peak at 18, women at 40’ is a myth. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nSNoiAnUnH0. (Unless one’s interest can peak for 25 years and going strong, in my case. Haha!)”

The Need for Romance Or Spontaneity

A few friends complained about not having enough romance in their marriages. Likewise, a number of men knew this was the problem for their wives and just have no clue how to “do” romance.

“I can’t just jump right in it. We have a signal. I wear something nice or sexy to bed and he knows that I am up for it.”

To other couples, if you are naked that is a signal that you are ready.

One friend said that sex was “so scripted,” she could tell exactly what what going to happen next.

Evidently, Kids May Not Be Good For Your Sex Life

“You have not lived until you’ve tried to maintain a sex life and raise teenagers at the same time.

“I have a friend who gave her teenagers headphones and told them if it bothered them they should put in the headphones.”

The Reasons Why

There were a lot of people speculating on the “why” of it all. Maybe it’s chemical, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s situational.

“So the question is, if [marriage is] ‘unnatural’, why do we continue to do it”?

“My wife said that pheromones and shit must be exploding about now in our age group. All her friends have crushes (I do as well) or some sort of sexual explosion. She said the Facebook ninjas are coming out of the woodwork. All dressed in little black cocktail dresses and looking to steal your man.”

“I’ve always wondered how people married a really long time don’t get bored. Maybe I’m just not a super sexual person (or maybe I’ve just not been with the right people to help make it so?), so I always kinda wonder how folks make it work.”

“I’d say the #1 reason we do monogamy is because of our history of religious patriarchies.”

“I’m not trying to be Debbie Downer. But when you’ve been with someone for 20 years and you have teenagers and life has knocked you around a bit – right now, today – emotional intimacy means more to me. That’s not to say I don’t adore sex as much as the next girl, it’s just that marriage is an ocean and sometimes the tide goes out and sometimes the tide comes in.”

There were lots of folks who came to the same conclusions that I did – That this is just biological

“I guess I’ve gone beyond the theoretical some but that’s not the interesting part for me. Not by a long shot. That’s just [sex]. The interesting part is why this had suddenly become SUCH a big deal?

Boredom. And biology. That is my theory.”

“My mom and I were discussing the whole “box of saltines” issue last night. Neither one of us believes that monogamy is a natural state for almost any species. And humans are just a species of animal on this planet regardless of what we’d like to believe.”

“We are conditioned to believe that monogamy is the norm and that anything outside of that is deviant. I think mostly as a societal control of women, because that same narrative comes with the same tired bull* that women don’t have the same levels of desire, etc., that men are programmed to “spread their seed” and women are choosier based on resources, etc.”

“It is so ingrained now, after a 2000 years of the church that it is almost a separate issue. Now we put these constraints on ourselves, because we have some totally messed up idea of what marriage should be.”

“The thing is, this shit is sooooooo hard and it doesn’t need to be. I have to work so hard to just explain to my wife that she is everything that i want all of it, except variety and she buys into that narrative too. she feels like a failure to some extent because “she’s not enough”. Which is complete bull*, But it’s what she was taught, it’s what I was taught and in the end it’s self destructive.”

“Cheating, open marriages, polyamory, swinging…. There is a reason all these things are much more prevalent in our society than we realize. Sadly most don’t share this part of their lives out of fear of judgement, shame etc. Humans are not biologically meant to be monogamous in my opinion (and in the opinion of lots of doctors and sciency types whose books I’ve read and podcasts I’ve listened to).”

I had very little (okay, no) feedback from people who talked about their faith and how it affected their marriage, their views on sex, etc. Interestingly, I even had some religious leaders contact me to praise me for writing honestly about it. But no actual comments about it.

And y’all, there are WAY more people experimenting with non-traditional marriages than I thought

“I think I could be emotionally monogamous but not sexually. It got pretty boring until we “opened” our marriage. “Oh THAT’S where I put my sex drive!” Apparently it was in other guys’ pants…”

“What if I were to say I wanted an open marriage? (I don’t see this happening for a multitude of reasons, but . . .) What if he [there were plenty of ‘what if she’ too] said yes? What if he said no? Would it make everyone crazy?”“I would be curious how open marriage works and how it is brought it up in the first place?”

“There are so many shades of ‘open’. A lot, and probably the most successful I would guess, are the “don’t ask, don’t tell” that involve people who can separate the sexual act from emotional entanglement. Which is tough if you grew up in any kind of mostly Western society that went through a Chivalrous age.”

Another friend referred to the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” as “The French Way.”

“Greatly enjoyed reading about SOC [Same Old Crackers] and empathetic to a degree… While I could use the guise of several bottles of wine to share my thoughts, I’m sober and bold enough to say I do not condone open relationships mostly because that’s ultimately an escape in not addressing bigger issues, but I don’t think there’s any harm in “recreational” pursuits as long as there is great communication. The couple indulges together with another party(ies) with agreed upon parameters and mutual consent is in place before an interaction begins. Each individual in the couple has power to veto and the other half must respect and abide by that veto. This isn’t so much an open relationship as it’s a closed relationship that may extend a invitation when mutually agreeable.”

“Husband and I don’t have an open marriage in the sense that he does his thing and I do mine, but definitely have fun with other couples from time to time (yes, that’s technically swinging, but I find that term always conjures weird things for people). We both love the new relationship energy you can get with someone new, but for us there must be full disclosure…in fact talking about it is half the fun. Some of the best married couples we have ever met are in the lifestyle (yes, that’s the preferred nomenclature).”

Lots of folks in Couples and Sex Therapy

A lot of people are already in therapy. And most of them are finding it only temporarily helpful, or finding that it just makes them understand what the underlying problems are, but now how to fix them. As one friend said,

“People change. Long running patterns just wear people out. Resentment and imbalance cannot last.”

And this, which cuts to the core for me, because I fear there is this much marital unhappiness out there:

“50% of marriages end in divorce…that means that only 50% of people are brave enough to end it. How many of the remaining 50% just don’t have the guts to end it?”

I also liked that this person pointed out the bravery in dissolving a marriage. I talked to a lot of people who struggled for years in an unhappy marriage, because they were too scared or ashamed to do anything about it. I think we need to acknowledge the bravery in making positive life changes.

What to do about it?

I wrote this in an earlier post: “The Crackers Dilemma – You can cheat. Or you can have sex with the same person. OR that person can die and you are free to have sex. OR you can die, in which case you still only had sex with that one person. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. “

One person wrote:
“Your comments about crackers was hilarious. And scared the f* out of me – For some reason I thought I was special and that I was the only person dealing with “crackers” which meant it could be fixed. Seeing you write it made me feel like it was a foregone conclusion and inescapable.”

And another:”This sort of thing has been happening with me for a while. I’m just bored in general. My spouse? He is a loving, sexy, smart man. And my mind is wandering. I’ve never even been a little tempted in real life to actually cheat, but it’s sinking in that this is *it* forever. And the thought is daunting.”And what I kept hearing over and over: “Has Anyone Come Up With a Solution?” (I would say that this is the number one comment I got from people. Right after, “Right there with you.”)

As one put it: “The question is what you do with it. I am interested in how to make this [midlife crisis/sexual frustration] work within the confines of my marriage.” And there were a lot of people who JUST. WANT. A. FIX. for their marriage, within their marriage. It’s like all our marriages are ebola, and I might have the vaccine.

There were quite a few suggestions from folks on how to improve sex/intimacy with their spouse. These include:

‘Ask for it. Have you said, “Have sex with me?” Try being direct.’

“We make time to be together, both intimate and otherwise. I get dolled up to spend Friday nights at home with my husband after our daughter is asleep.”
One recommendation for nudist resorts where my husband and I can go to have “Monkey sex”

One couple agreed to show each other pictures of people/things they find sexy. (This one backfired and is a cautionary tale. And, yeah, for the record: Your spouse is probably attracted to either Jennifer Anniston or Zooey Deschanel, or both.
“You can try crazy weird fantasy shit with the person you’re with.”

“My wife and I are currently working through all of this with a marriage counselor and I highly recommend the same to anyone else struggling with these issues.”
A number of folks recommended books to me. I’ve included links to those at the end.

The Viable Options

Okay, now there were also a good number of people who are married, but exploring other options, and I heard, frankly, some kind of crazy stuff that will not be laid out in full on my blog. Instead, I will summarize. Lest you think that I am the only one giving it this much thought, you would be wrong. I received a number of lists of “viable options” – So many that it occurs to me that maybe we are all just Houdinis trying to get the key, insert it into the lock and get out of the box before it fills with water.

Cheating: Pretty much universally agreed to be the hottest sex, but also creates MASSIVE MARITAL DESTRUCTION. Guilt is not fun, and it makes you sick. Seriously not recommended y’all.
Swinging: Whoa. Much more popular than i would have thought. Like, a number of people I know do it, although they apparently call it “The Lifestyle.” A few men mentioned that they are not fans due to not wanting to watch another man with their wife. However, they would be fine with it if the other man gets lost, which really just becomes a threesome, no? There are tons of websites and clubs, evidently.
Polyamory -“The practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.” Honestly, few seemed interested in this. But there were two people who had explored it.
Don’t ask don’t tell (or as one couple calls it “The French Way”.) “Basically, a tacit agreement that either or both of the spouses will have an affair at some point. The key is to be discreet, don’t embarrass the other partner and make no promises to the third person that would lead them to believe this was anything more than fun. The marriage is the bedrock and still wanted very much by both. You just recognize that there are other needs. This is not something necessarily talked about a lot (other than maybe laying down some ground rules) but just sort of accepted.” (I quote here, because I could not have explained it any better.)

Interestingly, a number of people who have explored these options (other than cheating) said first and foremost, start thinking about it NOW and discussing it with your partner/spouse BEFORE it all lands in your lap, because one or both of you will be tempted or have some kind of situation arise sooner rather than later. And honestly, after reading how some of these incidents have spiraled out of control, I think they are probably right about at least thinking about what one truly believes should be a plan of action or boundary.

As one person currently exploring these options with their spouse said: “It can be a celebration of the strength and communication skills of two people dealing with powerful (!!) physical and emotional needs in a positive, constructive way.”

So, that’s the summary. There are no pat answers. We are all just struggling along together.

I have nothing to add, except that I was overwhelmed by the response and people who felt validated to hear that others struggle with the same or similar issues. I also was, like others, a little sad that there was no one or good answer, even though I knew deep down that there wouldn’t be. I know that it helped me to write about this, and I hope that it helped others. Thank you to all of the thoughtful, wonderful people who shared their thoughts and stories with me, and to those who listened while I shared mine.

I’d love to hear what you think after reading this, preferably in the comments, and especially if you disagree with what the bulk of the responses said. I do think the best part of writing this was feeling like I did something to open up a dialogue about the issues, both in my own personal life, and hopefully more publicly amongst those whom I know. Don’t be so scared to share! I feel better for having shared my story. You might too.

Recommended Reading

Two friends said their husband reading this book “saved their marriage.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011

And this one was recommended by five different people:
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships

One recommendation for this one:

The Other Side of Desire: Four Journeys into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing

Posted in Angst, Health and Fitness, Marriage, sex | No Comments »

Protected: Am I a Freak of Nature? (Part I)

Saturday, November 22nd, 2014

Posted in Angst, Health and Fitness, Marriage, sex | Enter your password to view comments.

Sappy, Sappy

Tuesday, February 14th, 2012

“I see my life was brightest where you laughed and laid your head…”
– Wilco

Happy Valentine’s Day, Angel. I have never regretted going out for drinks with friends that Valentine’s Day weekend almost thirteen years ago.

Xoxoxo,
Annie

Tags: love, Marriage, Valentine's Day
Posted in Beauty, Holiday, Life, Marriage, Mushy, Photography, todd | 2 Comments »

Radiohead: A Story of Starcrossed Lovers

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

Todd and the kids and I had a great dinner last night. They are getting to the age where they are actually fun to converse with. We were fixing plates and the Radiohead song “Creep” came on, and Todd and I were singing along at the top of our voices, and playing air guitar on that bangy guitar part (you know the one), while Rollie yelled for us to stop, and Tiller rolled her eyes. And then Todd proceeded to tell the kids a story of star-crossed lovers back in the olden days. (You know, the mid-90s.)

There once was a boy living in Atlanta, who liked Radiohead. There once was a girl, also living in Atlanta, who – get this – also liked Radiohead. Now, this was before Radiohead was a household name, right after OK Computer came out, but before anyone except diehard The Bends fans had heard the album yet, before folks considered it the Dark Side of the Moon of the 90s. And so this boy and girl, who both lived in Atlanta, and who both liked Radiohead, both bought tickets to see Radiohead at The Masquerade.

And they both went to the show. And the girl was with her boyfriend, who was not the boy. And she stood watching the show with her left shoulder leaning against the sound booth. And the boy watched the show from the front of the sound booth. And they were mere feet apart from one another. And the show rocked their worlds.

And then three days later, she moved to Denver with her boyfriend.

But the story wasn’t over.

Because sometime later, the girl sat drinking beer in a kitchen in Boulder, Colorado, and she saw a picture on the fridge that reminded her of a girl she used to know. And a couple years later, the girl who liked Radiohead met that girl she used to know in a bar, and the girl she used to know introduced her to the boy who also liked Radiohead.

And now the girl who likes Radiohead and the boy who likes Radiohead sit in their kitchen with their two children, who really don’t give a shit about Radiohead, and they play the game horse face. Horse face consists of one person making a funny face and the other person having to match that funny face. And the girl who likes Radiohead makes a face, and it is so funny to her that she laughs until tears run down her face, her stomach hurts, and she almost pees her pants.

And the Boy who liked Radiohead and the Girl who liked Radiohead are happy together.

Tags: love, Masquerade, Memories, Radiohead
Posted in Atlanta, Cool Stuff, Home, Life, Marriage, Memories, Mushy, todd | 6 Comments »

Akumal & Tulum

Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

Todd took me to Akumal for our tenth anniversary. It was great, except that I got really sick (sinus infection) and had to go to the doctor. So, i spent more time dealing with Doctor crap than enjoying myself (all of my first day, then almost two hours the second day, and a quick visit on our last day there), but it was still great. Beautiful place. We had never done an all-inclusive before, but i have to say that it was pretty awesome. It is nice to not have to deal with the money stuff (except for the doctor, which is NOT included, unfortunately).

View from the plane over Cancun. The reason i am able to take photos like this from the plane window is that i pop Xanax like candy before and during the flight so as not to give in to my fear and run up and down the aisles screaming, We're going down! We're all gonna die!

This is where we stayed. Love that towel duck we got every day. Except one day, it was a bunny instead. Talk about messing with my head people!

Little Coati dude. These are all over the resort and, of course, I got total Coati Tourette's whenever I saw one.

Lobby at the resort. Or one of the lobbies. There are three.

My feet. At the Pool. Good stuff.

Todd was enamored of the many different types of Tequila offered at the hotel bar. I think he tried them all. I abstained. Because Tequila in large amounts makes me howl at the moon.

Waiting to eat some cheesy Japanese Steakhouse dinner, but dang, it was really good.

Honestly, the food, other than the steakhouse, was not stellar, but it was not bad either.

Sadly, this marketplace at our resort is the place at which I spent more time than any other location at the resort, because it is also where my good friends the Doctor and Doctora are located.

After trying the doctor that second morning (I needed another antibiotic shot), we took off for Tulum. We decided to drive (we rented a car) because those tour bus deals are just not our scene. I was glad. It is fun to explore and be on your own time. It also allowed us to check out Tulum proper (there is a town there, in addition to the ruins) and to grab ourselves some stuff at a local grocery store. Highly recommend the rental option if you like to explore. The roads were good and the driving was pretty easy there.

These guys crack me up. They are EVERYWHERE at Tulum, just hanging out. Very funny.

This building was one of my faves of the smaller ones. You could still see the paint from these really old murals - so cool!

Hard to imagine what this must have looked like 200 years ago, or a 1000 years ago. Amazingly beautiful place. Also made me feel like I was either in the game Myst, or at Tikal with Indiana Jones and Sophia. (Sophia, Let's Talk. This is Crab Central.)

Me and Todd at Tulum. We swam below this later, in that very blue water.

Todd at Tulum

Here is me traipsing over rocks at Tulum. Seconds later a lady busted ass on the same rocks. I did not laugh.

After the ruins, we had lunch at this little place. Simple tacos. And beer. Good stuff.

These pigs made us laugh. Kind of reminded us of BBQ signs with happy pigs on them that you find throughout the South. You know, the ones with a pig on them, wearing a chef's hat or a halo and wings, holding a spatula and smiling real big? As if to say, Come on, Y'all! Come eat me!

This little old-school Coca Cola awning at a restaurant at Tulum made me a little tiny bit homesick. And then I remembered i had no kids with me and i was in Mexico, and I got over it.

After lunch, we headed to the cenotes. I admit that i felt so under the weather that I almost begged Todd to skip it, but I’m glad I didn’t, because it was my favorite part of the trip. We failed to bring an underwater camera with us, so there are no pics of the Cenotes. We went to this place called Hidden Worlds. You can take a gander here. They take you out in the jungle on a truck that can only be explained as looking like something out of Mad Max. You stand up in it (if you want to ride comfortably) and then bump over miles of hard, rocky, rough roads in this truck with an exposed engine. Complete deathtrap. I loved it. Then we put on snorkel gear and went down this very steep ladder and we were in a cave (cenote) and off into the water.

It was amazing. At points, the stalagmites (tites?) came down all the way to the water and you had to weave your way through to get to the other side. Definitely not for the claustrophobic. There were fish and we had these high power flashlights and we used them to see when we were deep in the caves. Lucky for us, it was just me and T and the guide. He took us into some parts that they don’t take large groups into, and we did fun stuff like sit in the dark caves and turn out all the lights. It is so dark you literally cannot see your hand in front of your face. Bats swoop when you light them up. And then we came out on the other side and saw these amazing birds! Again, i didn’t get a really good look at them, or a photo (disappointing) but it was amazing to see them.

We spent our last day at the beach.

Yes, I finally got to spend one wonderful day on this beautiful beach. Fish swam all around us and it was absolutely crystal clear.

That night we had dinner, then wandered, people watching and then checked out a free show. It was a Michael Jackson impersonator. It was awful. And funny.

Michael Jackson show at our resort. OMG. It was so funny that I could only take two songs and then we had to leave.

. . . So that we could do our best MJ impersonations on the sidewalk outside. I am doing the moonwalk. Yep.

Todd is doing that other MJ move. Awesome.

The next day, we got up and packed and went into Akumal proper for lunch on the way to the airport. It is REALLY nice, with some beautiful homes all around the bay and great snorkeling. I could handle a rental there on the beach in Akumal.

Our last meal, in Akumal

And then we came back to the Real World. The End.

p.s. Huge shout out to my parents, The Big C and Virginia, and my Sis, who took care of the kiddos (and The Precious, Q) while we were gone. Round of applause also goes out to awesome neighbor, Lauren, who helped them out. Y’all are the best!

Tags: Akumal, Anniversary, Mexico, Tulum
Posted in Birds, Marriage, todd, Travel | No Comments »

Annual Temporary Annulment Day 2010

Saturday, November 13th, 2010

So, you might have heard a little rumor. It has something to do with me and a streak.

Four games. I would love to make it five, but I don’t see it happening. If it does happen, it will be amidst too much hoopla, and it will be bittersweet and contested anyway. Sigh.

Scratch that. I’ll take it.

There is something larger at stake, though. Not just four in a row in a House Divided. But my record at Auburn games. I have a bit of streak going there, too. I have never seen Auburn win a game in my presence.

I’ve been to a number of Auburn games, and not just games where they play Georgia (although those have been the sweetest). Auburn has lost every game I attended. I am the kiss of death. i am the black widow. One year i was the Blackout Widow. (By far the most beautiful Annulment Day yet.) Bama game last year? That was me. Unexpected loss to some crappy Florida team? (Florida Atlantic? Florida A&M?) Yeah, that was me too.

Cue Sympathy for the Devil.

The best thing about tomorrow is. . . well, duh. No children for a day of drinking. Second best thing? We have nothing to lose and they have everything to lose. Worst case scenario, I get really loaded, we lose catastrophically, and some really great Auburn friends rag on me for a day. I think i can take it. I mean, they took it the last four years in a row.

Plus, the look on my husband’s face while Bulldogs players and fans cranked dat Soulja Boy? No one can take that very magical, electric moment away from me. Or erase it from his memory. But just in case. . .

Sweet dreams, sugar.

Tags: Annual Temporary Marriage Annulment Day
Posted in Athens, Football, Georgia, Marriage, todd | 5 Comments »

We Found It!

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

The proverbial Needle In a Haystack. The diamond in a very messy and large rough. My diamond. We found it.

I was picking veggies from the garden, and I came up to the carport and Todd and the kids were grinning like jackasses eating briars.

“Mama?” Todd said. “Remember when you said you would take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese if they found something for you?”

I knew right away what it was they had found, but I played dumb for effect. For the kiddos. I had promised them, in those first days after losing the diamond, when we were turning the house upside down, and going through the dirt in the vacuum cleaner, that if they found my diamond, I would take them to Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“Did you find something?”

They made me close my eyes and hold out my hand. I did. They told me i could open. I did.

There was my engagement ring, diamond still missing, in the palm of my hand.

Wait. What? Where’s my diamond?!

Rollie walked over and put a gem in my hand.

I looked at Todd. “Where did you find it?” I said, amazed at how small it looked in my hand.

He had been moving the new mattress his parents gave us into Rollie’s room to replace Rollie’s old mattress. He lifted the old mattress up and found a piece of paper and my diamond. It is so small, it is a miracle that he saw it. I remembered, then, that one of the places that I remembered my ring hanging up on things was in Rollie’s room when I changed his sheets. It must have come off then.

What are the odds of getting a new mattress a month after losing your diamond and then finding the diamond under the old mattress? Was it God? Maybe. I waver between thinking there are no coincidences and thinking that life is all a series of hits and misses without any rhyme or reason. This definitely made me swing back to the side of fate and destiny and higher power. At least for a moment; For a moment, things seemed clear and magical at the same time.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” Todd said.

“Yeah, I think so.” Diamonds look different when they aren’t in the setting. In all honesty, it kind of looked fake.

“It kind of looks fake, though, doesn’t it?” Todd said.

“Yeah, kind of.”

But I set it in the prongs of my ring and it fit perfectly.

We went inside and the kids celebrated “their” find. I put my arms around my husband and hugged him and remembered how wonderful it is that he asked me to marry him. I have not ever, not once, ever regretted saying, “Yes.” It is the most important “Yes” i ever uttered. Then, we all ate dinner together.

And that’s how, after seven years of parental avoidance, yet another wall came down, another line crossed, and I finally had to break down and take the kids to Fuck E. Cheese’s.

SkeeBall is still fun. The pizza is still disgusting.

Tags: Chuck E. Cheese's, Diamond, Engagement Ring, Evidence of True Love
Posted in Beauty, Family, Home, Marriage, Parenthood, Rollie, Tiller, todd | 6 Comments »

Dogwood Girl