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Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

The Center of Her Universe

Friday, January 1st, 2010

Center of My Universe I

I was tucking the kids in tonight, and went in to Tiller’s room and sat on her bed beside her. I leaned over her, and told her how much i loved her and that i was so glad she was in my life. I told her I was proud of her. She has an indescribable look on her face when we talk like this at bedtime; all sweetness and almost a demure embarrassment, with maybe a touch of “tell me again.”

She looked at me and whispered, “Mama?”

I answered, “Yes, sweetie?”

Tiller: “Who will be my Mama and Daddy when I grow up?”

My stomach clutched. I don’t know why these questions get to me like they do. i guess my fear of one day not being there for her, of something happening to me or Todd, or god forbid, both of us.

Me: “We will always be your Mama and Daddy, no matter how big you get.”

This seemed to satisfy her for a moment, but then I saw a flash of uncertainty pass across her face.

She said, “Okay, but don’t ever live far, far away.”

Me: “I won’t baby. As long as you want to live near us, we will live together. I promise.”

It is nice to be the center of her universe, even though I know one day i won’t be. I am so thankful that every day my children teach me something about how to love more fully than I ever have before.

Goodbye and Good Riddance!

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

I don’t think it’s hit me yet, that 2009 is almost over, or that a whole decade has now passed since I met Todd. It has been the best ten years of my life, without a doubt. 2009, though? Not so much. Hoping 2010 will be everything 2009 wasn’t. Hope it will be for you, too, dear Reader.

And speaking of, thanks to those of you who read this ridiculous self-indulgent little blog of mine. It really is nice to be heard.

Happy New Year!

p.s. Scotty P, just got your gift in the mail. Made me unbelievably happy! I will take care of it and get it back to you in one piece. Promise.

Christmas 2009 Recap

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

So, here’s what we’ve been up to. . .

Christmas Eve, Rollie came down with quite an ear infection. Quint took good care of him.

Christmas Eve, Rollie came down with quite an ear infection. Quint took good care of him.

We spent Christmas Eve at Leelee’s house. There was much cuteness of children and stuffing of our faces, and dogs running around, and Cecil drinking scotch. Todd and I brought the kids home afterwards and tucked them in, then readied for Santa Claus. Luckily, this year there was no Victorian dollhouse to put together. Which basically means we lay out the loot under the tree, stuff the stockings, and pour ourselves a well-earned nightcap. I usually watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” on Christmas Eve, but i am a good wife and I let Todd kill zombies instead. Oh, Holy Night. . . .

I played with my camera. I just love a Christmas tree in the dark.

Rollie got a Hot Wheels bike from Santa. I love that green color.

Rollie got a Hot Wheels bike from Santa. I love that green color.

Tiller got a Hello Kitty bike. I wish it came in my size.

Tiller got a Hello Kitty bike. I wish it came in my size.

I love a Christmas tree in the dark.

I love a Christmas tree in the dark.

I used to sit in the living room in Roswell, in the dark, and just look at the tree.

I used to sit in the living room in Roswell, in the dark, and just look at the tree.


This is an ornament Vanessa gave me years ago. I love it, but it is heavy and i have to tie it down on the tree so that it doesn't fall.

This is an ornament Vanessa gave me years ago. I love it, but it is heavy and i have to tie it down on the tree so that it doesn't fall.

This is an ornament my sister gave me. It looks like snow. I can't believe we haven't broken it yet.

This is an ornament my sister gave me. It looks like snow. I can't believe we haven't broken it yet.

The next morning, Tiller found the stockings and didn't even see her bike at first!

The next morning, Tiller found the stockings and didn't even see her bike at first!

Tiller was beside herself. Pure joy.

Tiller was beside herself. Pure joy.

Rollie didn't feel good and we could tell. He wasn't really amped up at all until he got Monster Jam tickets in his stocking. Santa is kind of an asshole, as he only left two tickets, so Tills and I am on our own that night, I guess. Sigh.

Rollie didn't feel good and we could tell. He wasn't really amped up at all until he got Monster Jam tickets in his stocking. Santa is kind of an asshole, as he only left two tickets, so Tills and I am on our own that night, I guess. Sigh.

Todd and I drank coffee, cuddled, and then untwisted a lot of twisty ties and rubber bands from cardboard while drinking mimosas.

Todd and I drank coffee, cuddled, and untwisted a lot of twisty ties and rubber bands from cardboard.

That afternoon, Mom, Dad, Lisa, Mark, and Dash came over. We all opened gifts, drank wine, played toys with kids, and made a lot of noise.

Two generations. Not sure what Tills is doing here.

Two generations. Not sure what Tills is doing here.

Rollie really didn't feel well. You can see him feigning excitement here.

Rollie really didn't feel well. You can see him feigning excitement here.

Tiller decided to throw a tantrum during gift opening. Always fun to discipline your child in front of your parents.

Tiller decided to throw a tantrum during gift opening. Always fun to discipline your child in front of your parents.

These things just aren't that exciting. I just don't get it. Robotic hamsters?

These things just aren't that exciting. I just don't get it. Robotic hamsters?

Alex was a gift unto himself.

Alex was a gift unto himself.

Birdie didn't really get the whole Christmas thing. He could have gotten a lump of coal in his stocking and he would still have this look on his face.

Birdie didn't really get the whole Christmas thing. He could have gotten a lump of coal in his stocking and he would still have this look on his face.

After the dishes were clean and dinner done and kids in bed, we finally go to relax.

After the dishes were clean and dinner done and kids in bed, we finally go to relax.

So, let's talk gifts. My dad got me these. As far as gifts from Dads go, this is not bad. V. comfortable, not offensive to look at.

So, let's talk gifts. My dad got me these. As far as gifts from Dads go, this is not bad. V. comfortable, not offensive to look at.

My sister got me these and also an awesome necklace. She buys me the best gifts. I also kind of like my camera skills on this one.

My sister got me these and also an awesome necklace. She buys me the best gifts. I also kind of like my camera skills on this one.

From my mom, who evidently still thinks i am six. Yes, i am a 37 year old with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer pjs. Note the Abominable Snowman.

From my mom, who evidently still thinks i am six. Yes, i am a 37 year old with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer pjs. Note the Abominable Snowman.

These are the best. LOVE getting these from the kids. I see myself crying over them for years to come.

These are the best. LOVE getting these from the kids. I see myself crying over them for years to come.

I have a thing for the Black Cat Fireworks logo. It cracks me up, always has. Todd finally got the hint and got me a Black Cat shirt! Rowr!

I have a thing for the Black Cat Fireworks logo. It cracks me up, always has. Todd finally got the hint and got me a Black Cat shirt! Rowr!

He also got me a thermometer. Lisa rolled her eyes that I would get excited over this, but I love getting stuff for my yard, and nature-type stuff.

He also got me a thermometer. Lisa rolled her eyes that I would get excited over this, but I love getting stuff for my yard, and nature-type stuff.

So, i saw that Todd had put The Monsters of Templeton on his wish list. He noticed the same thing on my wish list. We both got one for Christmas. From each other. Much laughter ensued. I am thinking we maybe need to spend a little time apart, or by next year, we might be wearing matching Christmas outfits. On the plus side, we can have our own little book club. At least for one month.

So, i saw that Todd had put The Monsters of Templeton on his wish list. He noticed the same thing on my wish list. We both got one for Christmas. From each other. Much laughter ensued. I am thinking we maybe need to spend a little time apart, or by next year, we might be wearing matching Christmas outfits. On the plus side, we can have our own little book club. At least for one month.

Todd also got me the Merge Records book I've been wanting to read. Will probably start this one next. Yay! That cover photo makes my heart pogo.

Todd also got me the Merge Records book I've been wanting to read. Will probably start this one next. Yay! That cover photo makes my heart pogo.

The next morning, we got up early, kicked my parents out, and headed for Auburn.

While we were in Auburn, the kids got some time in on their new razors, and I had a few heart attacks.

While we were there, the kids got some time in on their new razors, and I had a few heart attacks.

We did some hugging.

We did some hugging.

And Tiller pitched another fit. . .

And Tiller pitched another fit. . .

And then we hugged some more and rode the dinosaur at the park.

And then we hugged some more and rode the dinosaur at the park.

Then more hugs with Uncle Lyle . . .

Then more hugs with Uncle Lyle . . .

And even more hugs with Lyle and Denise.

And even more hugs with Lyle and Denise.

We had lots of fun, and my in-laws spoiled the kids, and I didn’t get one single picture of my niece, Luci. We left on Monday and came back to Atlanta. On the way, we decided to stop and get fireworks, which was funny, because I was wearing my new Black Cat shirt.

Kids with Todd at Black Cat Fireworks store.

Kids with Todd at Black Cat Fireworks store.

Since then, we’ve been recovering from Christmas, putting away the loot, stuffing our faces with cookies and drinking wine. Yesterday, we felt we needed some fresh air and exercise, so we hiked up Stone Mountain with the kids. I had my doubts about whether they could make it, especially Tiller, but she didn’t lag at all. She picked her way up the mountain like a mountain goat. That’s her new nickname. The Mountain Goat. We didn’t have to help them at all, which as a parent, is nice.

Taking a rest on the way up.

Taking a rest on the way up.

Tiller looking stoic, while the boys cut up at the top.

Tiller looking stoic, while the boys cut up at the top.

I was kind of disappointed that no one had decorated this little tree behind us for Christmas. Also, please don't judge my fashion choices.

I was kind of disappointed that no one had decorated this little tree behind us for Christmas. Also, please don't judge my fashion choices.

Todd had fun with perspective.

Todd had fun with perspective.

And they kids thought it was hysterical.

And they kids thought it was hysterical.

Rollie was rocking out, I guess. Not really sure, but he's a cutie.

Rollie was rocking out, I guess. Not really sure, but he's a cutie.

One last shot overlooking downtown, before we head back down the trail. Tiller and I took off after this and kicked Todd and Rollie's asses. I'm just sayin.' You don't mess with The Mountain Goat.

One last shot overlooking downtown, before we head back down the trail. Tiller and I took off after this and kicked Todd and Rollie's asses. I'm just sayin.' You don't mess with The Mountain Goat.

I took some shots of Tills with the flags at the bottom, while we waited for the boys. Did I mention the Mountain Goat and her Mama beat them down the mountain? By many minutes? Girls rule, boys drool. (Tiller and I decided we wouldn't tell the boys that, though.)

I took some shots of Tills with the flags at the bottom, while we waited for the boys. Did I mention the Mountain Goat and her Mama beat them down the mountain? By many minutes? Girls rule, boys drool. (Tiller and I decided we wouldn't tell the boys that, though.)

All in all, we had a great Christmas vacation. Last night, I had dinner at Bistro VG with some friends from high school: Kevin Fagan and his fiance (she is awesome – they were in town from Richmond) and Jamie Kish and his wife, and Camille and Joe showed, too. Natalie didn’t show, which was disappointing. I ate a cheese tray and drank wine. Yum! The kids and todd went bowling today, and I am thinking about cooking dinner and building a fire tonight and perhaps playing some Beatles rock band. We shall see.

Them tomorrow, New Year’s Eve! We are having some friends over and their kids too. Should be interesting.

What It’s All About

Friday, December 25th, 2009

This is what it’s all about for me.

Dash and I Playing Around

For more love, check out the gallery of photos below . . .

A Solstice Story

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

As i mentioned briefly in another post, I have been a little stressed out. A little anxious. Todd and I decided to go to the lake this weekend to blow off some steam and relax. And by relax, I mean relaxing in the time-honored Palmer way, which is to work your ass off to near-exhaustion performing manual labor.

We went down Saturday afternoon and got there in time to warm the place up. (It was 40-something degrees when we walked in.) Todd started some yard work, the kids ran around like wild animals (a good thing), and I started some John Maghetti for dinner. After it was on, the sun was setting, so I grabbed a couple of beers for Todd and I, and went outside to play with the kids, watch Rollie hit the tennis ball with Todd (no we don’t have a tennis court), and shoot some pictures and enjoy my favorite time of day at the lake.

We took photos and ran around, then went inside and ate dinner while watching Elf. You can’t beat John Maghetti, and the fire going, and belly-laughing at Elf with your husband and kids for stress relief. Honest to God, I just about bust a gut when Buddy says to Jovi, “It’s just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.” That is some good stuff. Just kills me. I also love that Rollie would laugh along with me and think it was hysterical just because we thought it was hysterical.

So, we got up yesterday and had breakfast and then Todd and I worked in the yard all day long, cutting shrubbery back to tame the wilds and pulling vines out of high pine trees, and tearing mistletoe from dogwood. And the kids played. Now, usually they play and then fight for a while, then play some more. This was almost pure playing. Almost zero fighting. Just running around, and rosy cheeks, and noses running and then wiping their snot on their sleeves, and yelling to hear their echoes across the lake, and tiller being the master of all the dogs in the area – Choco, and Josie, and Quint all a swirling mass of furriness following her around. They threw rocks and earned two dollars hauling clippings up to the burn pile. We were all cold when we started, and then warmed up with play and work.

I felt tired but good. We worked til we just about fell out and it started getting dark. We made two absolutely huge piles of limbs and vines and leaves to be burned. We had windburn on our cheeks and blisters on our feet, and scrapes and sappy fingers.

And I had no anxiety.

We cleaned up and took showers and had a couple of beers. We warmed by the fire. We went to town with the kids and had pizza and then to WalMart to let them spend their two dollars. We went home and tucked in two tired kids and Todd let me watch four episodes of Friday Night Lights.

And I had no anxiety.

Todd went to bed during the last episode of FNL. I guess he just couldn’t take the mental turmoil of Saracen and Riggins, and Coach and Tami, and the rigors of living the west Texas high school football life. Or maybe he was just tired. I was fifteen minutes from midnight. I had places to be.

I opened a last beer and made that “let’s go outside to pee” sound that I make to the dog at night. I think i got that one from my Daddy. Some of you know the sound. Quint struggled to his feet (he is old and has arthritis), while I put on a hat and a sweatshirt and my old wool plaid barn jacket that I leave at the lake because it is ugly, but I love it and still like to wear it.

I went down to the lake, and purposely left the lights out so that I could see the stars. I debated getting a ladder out and trying to disable the damn security light, but a) I had consumed at least six beers at that point, and I’d probably fall off the ladder and b) Dad would see the light was out and I’d end up back up the ladder fixing the damn thing within weeks.

It was clear. I thought to myself, “Which way is East?

Easy. I had seen so many sunrises over that side of the lake, mornings fishing with Pop and Dad, up before dark, Grandma making me a thermos of hot sugar and milk with a drop of coffee, that I knew it by heart. I sat down on the far side of the dock, back to the pontoon and the power plant, on the narrow walk. I sat cross-legged, Indian style, criss-cross applesauce. I tucked a hand in my wool plaid pocket. Occasionally, I switched off hands in the pocket and hands on the beer. Mostly, I gazed up at a clear winter sky, and looked for meteors.

Quint came to sit near me. He wouldn’t lie down. He stared at me. He wondered what the fuck we were doing out in the cold midnight, when we could be on the couch near the fire. I saw it in his eye and the attention and cock of his ears.

I shushed him and rubbed his cold ears. I looked out across a glass-like lake, not a ripple on it, with no wind in the trees. i heard the plant occasionally, and wished I couldn’t hear it. I imagined what it would have sounded like on a lake with no power, what it would be like with nothing but natural light, the light of stars and moons. I couldn’t. There were Christmas lights across the lakes. I heard geese, and nothing else. I saw a couple of planes, the only other sign of life in this strange December 20th night. One day before Winter Solstice, ushered in by the Ursids.

The lake was so calm that I could see the reflection of the brightest stars on its surface. And oh, the stars!

A blanket of stars in a swath across the eastern sky, for me and me only, reflected on my lake. It was five after midnight. No meteors yet. And then there was one. And then it was gone.

I sat for almost an hour, sipping my beer slowly, staring at the sky until my eyes grew tired. I would see a shooting star and it would be gone, and I felt that familiar star-gazing feeling of relief that I was really seeing something, and awe that I knew to look that night, that man has learned so much about something so boundless.

I wondered about the other folks who might be out looking up that same night, the night before the Winter Solstice. And yet I was so alone, just me and my dog. I could slip into the lake and no one would ever find me. I stood and walked back to land. I stood there at the edge of the lake shivering, Quint sitting patiently at my side, and told myself I would go in when I saw the next meteor.

I saw it, streaking across the sky, and then it was gone. I went inside and crawled into bed with my husband and I was happy and satisfied and feeling small and big all at the same time.

And I had no anxiety.

Happy Place

Saturday, December 19th, 2009

I don’t mind the weather
I’ve got scarves and caps and sweaters
I’ve got long johns under slacks for blustery days

I think that it’s brainless to assume
That making changes to your window’s view
Will give a new perspective

dscn4111.jpg

So, yeah, the anxiety is getting me down, and I feel like I’m in a rut. So, we’re going to my happy place. I don’t care how cold it is. I think it just might actually give me new perspective.

Anxiety and Other Goings-On

Friday, December 18th, 2009

Things we’ve been up to. . .

Bad news first:
I think I am having anxiety problems. I have no idea what is causing it, other than that I haven’t been working out. This is a new one for me. I bet it will clear up when I get more exercise. Anyone else have this problem?

On to good stuff:

Seeing Santa at Joe’s Coffee Shop in East Atlanta, just like we have every year. Even though we don’t live there anymore, we still like to go back to our favorite coffee shop, and see people’s kids growing up and talk to old friends. And hey, where else can you go where you know Santa and the elves personally? It is a nice family tradition for us, even if Rollie was kind of an ass that day.

Mr. Grumpy face

Mr. Grumpy face


Tiller loves hot chocolate.

Tiller loves hot chocolate.

Mom and Dad might buy this house in the Atlanta area:

Keep your fingers crossed for them.

Keep your fingers crossed for them.


It would be nice to have them closer again.

We have elves. They showed up on the doorstep one morning with notes from Santa. They are full of mischief. As Rollie said the other day, “They did two mischievouses!” Or, as Tiller calls them: “Misfishes.”

The first night they were here they made a tower of presents and got into the wrapping ribbons!

The first night they were here they made a tower of presents and got into the wrapping ribbons!


The kids are wild for them. I am ready for them to go back to the North Pole.

Holiday Feast at Rollie’s school. We all went. They had turkey and dressing. Yes, school cafeteria turkey and dressing is just as terrible as you remember. THEY PUT MY ROLL SMACK DAB ON TOP OF MY TURKEY AND GRAVY; This is tantamount to holding me down and making me eat wet toilet paper.

Rollie and some classmates waiting in the lunchline.

Rollie and some classmates waiting in the lunchline.

It really captures the way that boys can’t stand still, and the kid with the shiner is really funny.

She is putting on a good face about the cafeteria lunch.

She is putting on a good face about the cafeteria lunch.

Rollie isn't bothering with putting a pretty face on it.

Rollie isn't bothering with putting a pretty face on it.

We made some Christmas cookies. I will never get the flour cleaned up. . . .

Rollie got a little on his face. And in his hair. And on the walls.

Rollie got a little on his face. And in his hair. And on the walls.

See that little container? She is about to take the whole container of sprinkles and dump it on one damn cookie.

See that little container? She is about to take the whole container of sprinkles and dump it on one damn cookie.

Not as much fun to clean up. That is a ton of flour. It gets in the cracks of the table and turns hard and grody.

Not as much fun to clean up. That is a ton of flour. It gets in the cracks of the table and turns hard and grody.

That’s about where I am. Stressed out about apparently nothing. Not feeling good. I have never really had problems with anxiety before. No clue what to do about it. Terrible feeling.

Simon the Game

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

Nope, not this guy:

IMG_1580

Simon. The game. Thinking about Christmas in Rochester, and Mr. Mouth, reminded me of Simon. We had a neighbor named David (last name withheld to protect the innocent), who was older, but a bit of a nerd. David would use the Simon, and the rest of us little kids had to pretend to be animals, and he would “control” us with the sound of the Simon game. All of this occurred to the background soundtrack of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.”

More Toys of Christmases Past

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

I love my dad. Tonight, he got into the Scotch and started talking about “what he used to get for Christmas.” This involved thirty minutes, over and over, of him talking about his toy.

A big tire, and a stick. He would get the big tire rolling, and then push it with a stick. On Stephenson Ave, in Savannah. It was a dirt road back then.

I nodded, and chugged down my red wine, and said, “yeah, that was rough. I had it rough. We had an Atari. Have you seen Warlords? That game was like living in the dark ages! Pitfall? Those didn’t even look like crocodiles! And vines don’t have jagged edges!” Oh, the travesty of an abused childhood!

And then I chugged more wine. Then I played a bunch of Bejeweled while he watched CSI, Criminal Minds, and Fox News. Then I got on Flickr, and found these. Guess sometimes there is a grain of truth to Cecil’s stories. . . .

1950circa_cecil_henry_savannah 001

1950circa_cecil_henry_savannah
Maybe Henry St., maybe Stephenson Ave. Need to ask Dad in the morning.

And now, take a look at these brats:

Lisa on Christmas Morning, 1977

197_mebarbiexmas

1979_xmas

1979_xmas 001

1979_xmas 002

Okay, just one more. . .

1981_xmas 002

Yep, we had it hard. Space Invaders? Those didn’t even look like aliens!

Feeling Sentimental

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Not sure why. Maybe Christmas is causing it all, but i’ve felt like a debbie downer lately, so i was looking through some more old pictures and came across this one and it just made me smile.

Dancing with Graham, 1973

This is my cousin, Graham, and I dancing at my Aunt Dot and Grandma’s apartment in about 1973. I don’t remember the name of the street they lived on, but it was an upstairs apartment in a house. No idea how, but they had a piano up there. I would give my right pinkie to know what song we are dancing to, but you can see aunt Dot (my Grandma’s sister) over there smoking and clapping along. She loved to dance!

I miss the big family gatherings and the crazy grandmas and aunts and uncles and cousins. Graham and I were best buddies, at least until those hangers-on, Lisa and Adam showed up.

And I don’t remember ever liking to dance, but i guess i did at some point!