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Archive for the ‘Parenthood’ Category

Tiller’s Too Sexy for Church School

Thursday, May 14th, 2009

I’m not sure, but i think that a gaunt, horse-faced church lady (using that term loosely) just told me that Tiller’s skirt is too short.

“You know, at elementary school, they say the acceptable length is knee-length.”

She is wearing a jean skirt. She is three. What the fuck?* Does my daughter look like a hooker, or what?

*And yes, there is just a smidge of lingering resentment over the fact that girls in high school must abide by the knee-length rule unless they are cheerleaders, in which case it is apparently acceptable for those who can do a back handspring and spirit fingers to wear a skirt so short they are showing their ass to the entire school.

God, I Needed That

Monday, May 11th, 2009

Rollie just walked in the house. I was bracing for “I’m hungry,” “Tiller destroyed your flowers!” or something along those lines. I was not prepared for:

“Mama, do you want me to show you how to do the Macarena? Gracie knows how to do the Macarena and she taught me.”

[Stifling a laugh.] “Uh, Yeah!”

He proceeds to do the Macarena, including the little hands on hips hipshake part, once in each direction.

North. South. East. West.

The look of concentration on his face was the best part. He even messed up once and grunted and made a face and started over again. I don’t think he even knows that there is music that goes with the dance.

And he will not. Ever.

Dogwood Girl and The Black Hearts

Monday, May 4th, 2009

Rollie and Tiller were acting up in the bathtub tonight. I got them out immediately (they usually get to play for a while) and Rollie stood shivering in his towel, lower lip quivering, and told me, “You don’t love me at all! You never loved me! You don’t have a red heart, you have a black heart!”

“Baby, where did you come up with that?”

“I don’t know, red is love and black is hate!” he yelled.

“I love you no matter what you do, and no matter how much i don’t love your behavior, Rollie,” i said, pulling the towel over his head like a hood and looking into his eyes. “Now go put on your PJs.”

Later, in his room, when he found out that he lost his bedtime story due to his behavior, he threw a tantrum. I told him to get into his bed. I said, “Night night, baby. I love you very much.”

Still angry with me, he pulled away from my kiss on his head and sputtered, “You have a . . a thousand, thousand black hearts!”

I struggled not to laugh or smile. Laughing at bad behavior is a parenting no-no. But in my blackest heart of hearts, I was so very bewitched by the poetry of my son telling me off.

Well, Duh, Mom.

Friday, May 1st, 2009
Tiller girl

Tiller girl

Me: “Um, Tiller, what happened to the skirt you were wearing?” She was wearing a pair of jeans.
Tiller: “I didn’t want to wear it anymore.”
Me [wary of possible hazmat incident]: “Why not?”
Tiller [matter of factly]: “Because I was going to be a koala bear and my legs would get hurt.”

Oh, of course!

Rollie, Vampire Slayer

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

So, yesterday after school, Rollie told Todd that he wanted him to wake him up at Midnight. Todd asked why. Rollie said that he had plans to meet his friend Tony at the school cafeteria at Midnight. When pressed for an answer as to why, Rollie declined to answer.
Last night, after Todd and I had tucked both kids into bed and were sitting on the couch, when Rollie came back downstairs. We fully prepared to fight him to go back to bed, but he said he just wanted to make sure that Daddy was going to wake him at Midnight.
Obviously, no one is going to wake anyone up at Midnight unless the house is on fire.
Fast forward to this morning. Rollie wanted to know why Daddy didn’t wake him at Midnight. Todd told him that he tried to wake him, but Rollie did not want to get up.
Yes, sometimes you have to lie to your children. Yes, you do.
Finally, on the way to school, Rollie gave up the full story:

It appears that Tony has a vampire in his closet.

This vampire in his closet only Tony can see. But the vampire got out and escaped to the school. So, now there is a vampire at school. Tony sees the vampire at school, standing behind other people, and he tells those people. The other day, he told Rollie that the vampire was standing behind him. Of course, Rollie can’t see, hear, or feel the vampire, but I guess he and Tony are tight and he takes Tony’s word for it.

So, it seems that Tony and Rollie hatched a plan to meet at the school cafeteria at midnight to figure out how to get rid of the vampire.

Awesome. Rollie, Vampire Slayer. (Probably more like the Frog brothers.)

On Mom: By Rollie and Tiller

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

I think that this was supposed to make my kids look awesomely creative and fun. It made them look boring.

Ask your child(ren) these questions and enter their answers…Quite amusing!

Tiller (3)

1. What is something Mom always says to you?
I don’t know.

2. What makes Mom happy?
Being nice.

3. What makes Mom sad?

I don’t remember.

4. How does your Mom make you laugh?
Tickling me.

5. What was your Mom like as a child?
I don’t know.

6. How old is your Mom?

I don’t know some of the answers.

7. How tall is your Mom?
I don’t know.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
I don’t know.

9. What does your Mom do when you’re not around?
WAtch tv.

10. If your Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
I don’t know.

11. What is your Mom really good at?
She’s good at games.

12. What is your Mom not very good at?
I don’t know.

13. What does your Mom do for a job?
Help

14.What is your Mom’s favorite food?
I don’t know.

15.What makes you proud of your Mom?
I don’t know.

16. If your Mom were a TV character, who would she be?

I don’t think i know.

17. What do you and your Mom do together?
Go somewhere together.

18. How are you and your Mom the same?
I don’t know. Do you know.

19. How are you and your Mom different?
Because sometimes you don’t wear the same shirts.

20. How do you know your Mom loves you?
Hugging.

21. What does your Mom like most about you?
I don’t know.

22. Where is your Mom’s favorite place to go?
Chick-fil-a.

Ask your child(ren) these questions and enter their answers…Quite amusing!

Rollie (5)

1. What is something mom always says to you?
I love you.

2. What makes mom happy?
Being nice.

3. What makes Mom sad?
Being Bad

4. How does your Mom make you laugh?
Being funny.

5. What was your Mom like as a child?
A kid.

6. How old is your Mom?
36

7. How tall is your Mom?
36 inches

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
WAtching birds.

9. What does your Mom do when you’re not around?
sleep with daddy in his bed.

10. If your Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
I don’t know what that means.

11. What is your Mom really good at?
Playing Tetris.

12. What is your Mom not very good at?
Playing scrabble.

13. What does your Mom do for a job?
Work on the roof.

14.What is your Mom’s favorite food?
spinach

15.What makes you proud of your Mom?
I love you.

16. If your Mom were a TV character, who would she be?
I don;t know.

17. What do you and your Mom do together?
Pick up me from school.

18. How are you and your Mom the same?
Because we look the same.

19. How are you and your Mom different?
Because we look different.

20. How do you know your Mom loves you?
Because I’m your son.

21. What does your Mom like most about you?
Cause I’m nice.

22. Where is your Mom’s favorite place to go?
Enzo’s

Unfinished

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

I am still trying to figure out how I became the one hiding the Easter eggs, when I feel like i haven’t finished finding all of mine.

The Living and the Dead, Heaven and the Moon

Friday, March 20th, 2009

Recently, on Friday nights, we go out and get mexican or pizza with the kids and then come home and have movie night. This is kind of Todd’s thing, and he and the kids pick out the movie and he cuddles up with them. Meanwhile, I pour myself a drink, and I sit and write or read or fuck around on Facebook. This also means that when the pick isn’t that great, i can blame Todd for its failure. Like, oh, say, tonight.

We had a discussion at the dinner table the other night about what movie we would watch on Friday. Tiller voted Bolt. Rollie voted Wall-E.

“Hmmm,” I said. “I think i would like to watch Wall-E too. Todd, what would you like to watch?”

Todd knew by the tone of my voice that he wanted to watch Bolt, so as to create a tie, and a teaching experience. We would teach them how to share through the joys of a family movie night tie-breaker.

“I would like to watch Bolt,” Todd said. Cause he knows what’s good for him.

Rollie and Tiller both sputtered. It is inconceivable to a 3 or 5 year old that things might not swing their way.

“Seems we have a problem,” I said. “We do not have a majority here. What are we going to do?”

We all looked at each other around the table. Rollie was obviously mulling something over.

“I know,” he said.

“What?” said Tiller.

“Well, Daddy and Tiller can watch Bolt, and me and Mama can watch Wall-E. We get the upstairs tv!”

Todd and I looked at each other, knowing we had been outsmarted by a five-year-old. Not exactly what we had in mind.

“I’ve got an idea,” said Todd. “I’ll go by the library tomorrow and get us a new movie.”

He did.

So, tonight, he got ready to go out for his Friday night outing, I poured a Bloody Mary, and the kids and i piled up on the couch, lights turned off, movie cued up, the setting sun illuminating our west-facing room. The dog and the cat were our bookends on the couch.

We had been talking all day about Daddy’s pick: The Corpse Bride.

It is PG. We debated if we thought it was okay for them to watch. They saw The Nightmare Before Christmas and loved it. Rollie saw Coraline in the theater, in 3D no less, and loved it. We figured this would be a piece of cake. Tiller fell asleep about halfway through and Todd took her up to bed. Then he left and Rollie and I finished the movie, his head nestled on my chest to my left, Quint curled up in a donut to my right, and Scully sitting in a curl next to Rollie. One big happy family.

For those of you who haven’t seen The Corpse Bride, it is great. A brief synopsis: Gawky, geeky Johnny Depp-looking guy of modest means, Victor, is set up to marry the well-to-do in name, not so well-off monetarily bride, Victoria. They fall in love. The wedding turns into a disaster and ends up not happening. Victor accidentally marries a corpse instead. Corpse loves Victor. He grows to care for her, but still loves Victoria. Stuff happens. Skeletons do a catchy musical number. To make marriage the real deal, Victor must die. Meanwhile, Victoria must wed bad guy who actually made the corpse bride a corpse in the first place. In the end, Victor and his true love Victoria end up together and the corpse bride is set free and the bad guy gets his comeuppance. So, suffice to say that there are three weddings, and a whole lotta dead folks.

During the third wedding, Rollie says to me: “I don’t like weddings.”
Me: “Why not?”
Rollie: “They’re boring.”
I laugh.
Me: “Yeah, actually, sometimes they are boring. You know what, though? If your daddy and I never got married, you wouldn’t even be here now, right? So, that’s a good thing.”
Rollie thinks this over, then says, “I went to a wedding. It was boring.”
I think to myself, no way you remember the last wedding you went to, which was Aunt Lisa’s. You were three.
I say, “When did you go to a wedding?”
Somehow, I knew what he was going to say before he said it.
“Grandma and Papaw Johnson had a wedding.”
“What?” I say.
“They had that girl that used to sleep in the chair all the time.”
My mind was racing to figure this out, hoping he wasn’t talking about what I thought he was talking about.
He was looking at me, waiting to see if I knew what he was talking about.

When Todd’s grandmother was alive, and living with my in-laws, she spent a lot of time sleeping in a chair in her room.

“Honey, do you mean Meemaw?”
Rollie said, “Yes, we went to the wedding and she was dead.”

FUCK.

I took a deep breath.
“Sweetie, that wasn’t a wedding. That was Meemaw’s funeral. A wedding is when two people who love each other promise to be together forever. Like Mama and Daddy. A funeral is when people get together to celebrate the life of a person who has gone to heaven. Like Meemaw.”

Rollie: “Oh.” He seemed to accept this all and go back to watching the movie. I, on the other hand, will need therapy after showing my son a movie that totally blurred the lines between the living and the dead in such a believable way.

We sat on the couch quietly watching the movie, him getting the dazed look kids get when they are tired, me thinking quietly to myself that the movie seems so benign and sweet, but I can see where all the living and the dead people hanging out together could be confusing to someone so little. At the end, Victor and Victoria stand together on the church steps, watching as the Corpse Bride disintegrates into a beautiful cloud of. . . well, I won’t give the full imagery, in case you haven’t seen the movie. (See the movie!) But the particles of her being float apart and up into the moon.

“Where is she going?” Rollie says to me.

“She’s going to heaven, Honey. She found love and acceptance, and that freed her soul to go to heaven.”

Rollie mulls over this and then says, “Is Meemaw in the moon?”

“Yes, honey, i think that if the moon is heaven, then she might be in the moon.”

“I like the moon.”

“Me, too, sweetie.”

Tiller Milestones: Climbing her First Tree

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

Tiller shows off a dandelion.

Tiller shows off a dandelion.

My new neighbor and friend, Lucy, snapped these great pictures of Tiller. Lucy has a couple of HUGE fig trees in her backyard, and the kids love to climb in them. They are the perfect size for little ones, and this time, Tiller tried it too. She loved it and can’t stop talking about how much she wants to go to Lyle and Cooke’s house to climb trees.
Tills climbing the figs.

Tills climbing the figs.


That’s my girl!

Just Like Kids Again

Monday, March 16th, 2009

When I was a little girl, I used to go visit my Grandma Smith in the summers. She lived in an apartment complex in Chattanooga, Tenn. Mom grew up in Chattanooga. Mom would pack me and my sister up in the red Caprice Classic station wagon and we would go spend a few days with Grandma. This was the most fun ever for my sister and I, as everyone knows that Chattanooga is the epicenter for kitschy tourist traps found on those pamphlets in motel lobbys, Howard Johnsons, and rest areas.

We would go to Rock City, ride the incline, and get candy from the candy shop at the top of the incline. See, we had the hookup, because Grandma’s best friend worked at the candy shop. Fudge and rock candy. Ahhhh. In the afternoons, we would swim at the apartment pool, while mom or Grandma and Aunt Dot watched us. Grandma and Aunt Dot did their laundry in the laundry room in a room right off the pool area while we swam. This is also, I assume, where they kept the liquor. Now, i don’t want to question my mother’s parenting, but she would let grandma watch us swim. I never ONCE saw Grandma swim in the pool. I assume she could swim, but have my doubts as to whether she could retrieve either me or my sister from the bottom of the pool if necessary, especially without putting down her drink or getting her cigarettes wet.

My favorite thing to do, though, (other than go to the castle, which was a toy store near Grandma’s, with a castle facade and an awesome board that counted down the days until Christmas, and where I would buy a Breyer horse every time we visited) was go to Lake Winnepesauka.

Lake Winnie is awesome, even though they have a really shitty website. It is an old school amusement park, and has been open since 1925 and is still run by the grandchildren of the original owners. It is pretty much a family tradition now, as my grandparents, my mom, and me and Lisa all grew up going to Lake Winnie. I have not taken the kids there yet, but can’t wait to do so.

It has a pretty famous old wooden roller coaster, the Cannonball. It has my faves the Himilaya and the Tilt-A-Whirl. It has Leelee’s fave, The Scrambler. A boat chute. An awesome merry-go-round (that was originally at Lakewood fairgrounds in Atlanta). A great haunted house fun house, skeeball, all set around a lake (that I believe used to be a swimming pool before my time) filled with the biggest damn carp ever. Paddleboats. It is very old-school, and family-oriented. I heart Lake Winnie. I cannot wait to take the next generation there. I think Dash needs a couple years and he will be ready to party with us, too.

So, all of this is to say that we took the kids to one of those temporary carnivals at a nearby mall. OH. MY. GOD. Most fun i have had in years. It was pretty awesome to see so many of my neighbors there, and kids from Rollie and Tiller’s schools. Met my sister, BIL, and nephew, Dash there, too. Dash was unimpressed by the rides, but did like the lights and the music from the Himalaya.

Dash finds carnies fascinating.

Dash finds carnies fascinating.


Lisa loves the Ferris Wheel, so she rode with my kiddos, which is great, because those things make me really nervous. Sure, it made me nervous to see my babies riding, too, but common sense tells me that they will be fine, and I should stay on the ground and try to smile. I am pretty sure that if I was up there, my fear of heights would kick in and i would have a panic attack and they would have to pry me out with a crowbar, because my fingernails would be embedded in the ride. The children would be traumatized and need years of therapy. Plus, if you stay on the ground, you can eat cotton candy and hold the baby, and what is better than smelling a baby’s head while eating spun sugar? Not one damn thing.
Tiller fearlessly rides the Ferris Wheel with Aunt Lisa.

Tiller fearlessly rides the Ferris Wheel with Aunt Lisa.

Rollie rode the big slide thing with one of the twins from down the street (Sydney, I believe).

Rollie and Syd Slide

Rollie and Syd Slide

Tiller was too scared to ride it, so she went with the teacups. A classic choice. She rode with the twins, Leah and Sydney, and loved it. When their cup went by the carny, he would reach down and give them a huge spin, eliciting screams and laughter, along with a slight chance of whiplash. I have seldom been happier in my life than standing by my friends Lauren and Scott at near sunset, watching our little girls smile the widest smiles and scream the screams that only happy little girls can emit, all the while holding my nephew, who was mesmerized by the lights and sounds.

Tiller rides the teacups with the big girls.

Tiller rides the teacups with the big girls.

Money’s tight, so Todd and I picked a couple rides we wanted particularly to ride, and left the rest to the kids. When I say the kids, I really mean me, because I would have pitched the biggest fit ever if I couldn’t ride both the Tilt-a-Whirl and the Himalaya. Rollie was very brave and rode the Tilt-A-Whirl with me. I have to admit that I choked up a bit getting up there, navigating the metal platform to pick out a car with my son in hand. He was so brave! We climbed in, and all i could think of was what it was like to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl with my mom at Lake Winnie. I think I remember Lisa going one time, but now it makes her sick. (Or so she says.) There is something so cozy about leaning back with your arm around your kid and then when the ride starts, screaming your guts out and hoping he won’t puke on you. We actually rode with another kid, a little girl who had never ridden it before, about Rollie’s age, who was going to ride alone. (Her wussy mom was over there to the side with my wussy sister.) I sat in the middle and put an arm around each kid and we just laughed when we were going slow, catching our breath, and screamed when we went fast. I had forgotten that when you are little, it actually looks like you are going to run into the other cars whirling around, but Rollie and the little girl kept saying, “We almost ran into that one!” And that thing spins a lot harder than I remembered. I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that i weigh sixty pounds more than last time I rode it. Nothing at all to do with that.

Lisa and I saved the best for last: The Himalaya. Lisa decided she would be scared and nervous to ride it. Just like the old days! I sat on the outside, so I wouldn’t crush her. We had a discussion about how the one at Lake Winnie must be bigger. Mom and Lisa and I used to all ride together. No way that we would all have fit into this new one. Again, had nothing to do with the fact that we were under ten last time we rode it. Nothing at all to do with that. Mark took pictures of us nervously waiting for it to start. Tiller and Rollie looked on with Daddy from the side, and danced to the music. Again, I felt a wave of emotion, hearing the loud music blaring and the siren going off when they hit top speed. You know how I love Kid Rock! They still play all the hits (Hey Ya!, Hot in Heerrre! Lisa, Todd? What else did they play?), but i am pretty sure they would make more money off us old fogies if they would play some Def Leppard, Van Halen, etc. I am pretty sure that the best job ever goes to the carny who gets to play DJ on the Himalaya. I mean, that, that is a job. Every time we went around, I waved at the kids, which is easy to do when your hands are in the air the whole time. Lisa had the bar in a death grip, all the while laughing maniacally. We screamed, and laughed our asses off, and discussed how we should just leave the kids and run away with the carnies.

Back on the Himalaya

Back on the Himalaya


Seriously, the most fun i have had in ages. Highly recommended for those stuck in a rut.

Can’t believe I haven’t updated in a week. Poor neglected blog.