I hate when I’m at Grandma and Pop’s and I can’t find a pencil.
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Hoarders
Monday, January 11th, 2010Brutal and Murderous
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010When we got into bed last night, I looked over to find Todd reading Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mr. Fox.
I smiled and said, “What are you doing?”
It seems that the other night, Rollie decided to read Fantastic Mr. Fox. We are very proud of him, as he still likes to be read to by us before bed, but then he goes into his room and reads chapter books until he falls asleep. He read Fantastic Mr. Fox twice, and then told Todd that “he could read it after he was done.”
“Oh,” I said, “so you are actually reading it so you can discuss it? That’s nice!”
Todd: “Um, no, just skimming.”
Me: “For what?”
Todd explained that last night, Todd went into Rollie’s room and he was reading the Children’s Dictionary that he received for Christmas from Uncle Lyle and Aunt Denise. (One of Rollie’s coolest gifts, in the opinion of a word nerd like me.)
Todd asked what Rollie was doing. Rollie replied, “I’m looking up “brutal” and “murderous.”
Needless to say, they were not to be found in the Children’s Dictionary.
Todd explained what they mean to Rollie, and was looking through the Dahl book, wondering if they were mentioned in that book. No mention. I wondered if he read it on the cover of Todd’s “Left For Dead 2” xBox game. Nope. Nothing.
Where on earth did my sweet boy learn these words? I am baffled. And at the same time, oddly impressed with his vocabulary. And maybe a little worried that I am raising a serial killer.
Back to the Grind
Monday, January 4th, 2010No, not school. It doesn’t start until tomorrow. No, I’m talking about full on dieting and workouts. And stripper poles. I know I’m not alone. I usually prefer to run or bike or hike outside to anything in a gym. I pretty much detest working out in front of the tv. Not enough room, kids try to join in and make me frustrated. However, i wasn’t about to go the gym today (too busy) or run outside (too cold, plus what would i do with the kiddos?) so I took my friend Dawn‘s advice and worked out at home.
So, I got the kids all riled up, and cleared the ottoman off the rug in the basement, and looked through the workouts on Comcast’s on demand.
Oh. My. God.
If I had known that Carmen Electra’s Strip Tease workout was on here, i would have done this with kids on rainy days LONG ago. There is very little funnier than a four year old girl and six year old boy doing a strip tease dance to Carmen Electra.
Do you want the DFACs number? I am sure you can Google it.
After that, we did Carmen Electra’s Hip Hop workout for good measure. Tiller got a little frustrated with the quick moves in that one, but Rollie totally rocked his awesome moves. He can really cut a rug, in case you’ve forgotten. If I had any balls, I would set up a video recorder to get me doing it too, because I am by far the best hip hop dancer on my street. Never mind that everyone on my street is 80. (Lauren excepted, but if you would like to challenge me, you will have to bring Jake up tomorrow for a dance off.)
We finished it up with a yoga workout. Rollie kept talking, and falling over, but actually seemed to like doing it. Tiller didn’t; She made her Barbies do the moves instead. Rollie asked why there was no talking, and I tried to explain about meditating and concentrating on breathing, but I am pretty sure that I lost him when I began talking about breathing through your eyes.
This wasn’t exactly the great workout, complete with pouring sweat and shaking arms and legs that I was looking for, but it is better than nothing and fits the bill as far as working out every day.
Anyway, I can’t recommend this On Demand workout stuff enough if you are stuck inside or unable to go to the gym, or just if you are bored and want something to do with the kids. Or if you just need a big belly laugh.
SisterSpeak
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009Because I was picking cotton today, I was reminded that my sister and I have our own language. As our friend Harris famously once said, “You guys are freakishly close.”
How well do you know me and Leelee? Do you know the meaning of these words and phrases?
Waggy Butt
whermp
salmon
cotton
catface
strap on the feedbag
We should bitch more
shark
him’s bad
Lisa, what would you add to this list? I know there are more. This was off the top of my head when I was picking cotton this morning.
(Um, yeah, this is just a post for fun while i finish up a longer one I am working on.)
Attention! Very Last-Minute Addition to my Christmas List!
Thursday, December 24th, 2009I want, I need, I love this.
I have to have it.
This makes no sense unless you watch Friday Night Lights. It is my favorite show. I don’t currently really watch it, because we don’t have it because Comcast sucks donkey dongs. I don’t understand why, but it is on a channel that we don’t get, and so I have been going through life trying to avoid at all costs hearing what is happening on the show until the new year, when Friday Night Lights will be on my very own television in my very own house.
At the lake my parents have satellite and they for some reason get the show, which is funny, because they don’t watch it. But I guess I set it up to record it while I was living there, and it recorded some of this season’s episodes. There were five of them from the new season on the DVR this weekend. There were some missing, presumably because my parents were watching CSI Special Crimes Mentalist Victim Unit Criminal Bones Minds Miami and the message mentioning that it was going to record Friday Night Lights came on, and Dad said, “What the hell is this shit?” and selected “Cancel Recording.”
I stared guiltily at those five episodes in the guide for a while. I was obviously at a precipice. I could walk away from the cliff. I realized that I should walk away.
Except that I might have accidentally watched four episodes of it before i realized that. (I was kind of like Saracen when he opened the box in that fourth episode that I wasn’t supposed to watch.) And I would have watched the fifth, but i had to nerd out on some stars.
I just couldn’t help myself. It is shameful, but I love that show so much, I even taught my kids, who are already confused enough by football allegiances, that my second favorite team is the Dillon Panthers. And now Coach Taylor has gone across the tracks to coach football at the other high school in town, East Dillon. The Lions, in case you are wondering, as my kids will when they find out my allegiances will change to from Dillon High to East Dillon.
So, when I read Melanie’s Fashion Friday edition I Can’t Feel My Face post on Big Mama, and came across her #7 choice, well, let’s just say i never knew that there was a hole in my t-shirt collection until I saw it. I have to have it.
My poor, poor confused children will have to deal.
Dogwood Girl for Moms
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009My mom, specifically. We were talking about my blog, and she said she loves to read about what the kids and I are up to, but never remembers to check it. I told her that she could subscribe to my blog and automatically get my updates via RSS.
She stared at me like I just told her that pink elephants could come to her house and check my blog for her every day.
Hence the new email subscription option over to the right. Maintenance performed almost purely for my mom and other family members who read my blog. (Dad doesn’t read it, and doesn’t want me writing about him or mom on my blog, or “he’ll sue my ass.” Nice. Love you too, Dad.
So, if you actually read my blog regularly (there are, like, five of you, i think) and don’t want to have to remember to check it, you can click here to subscribe to Dogwood Girl by email. And of course you brilliant computer-savvy folks still have the old RSS option.
Peace and Joy and Stinky Polyester Santa Suits
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009One of the great things about being an adult at Christmas is seeing pictures like this one of my nephew. Pictures of babies bawling on Santa’s lap. Nothing says, “Peace and Joy” like children terrified of creepy guys in smelly old polyester santa suits!??
What a crybaby!
I didn’t have time to fool around with resizing the photo (deadlines yo!), but it had to be larger to get the full effect of the terror. I know, shoddy.
(For those of you who are curious, this is the Lenox Mall Santa.)
Simon the Game
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009Nope, not this guy:
Simon. The game. Thinking about Christmas in Rochester, and Mr. Mouth, reminded me of Simon. We had a neighbor named David (last name withheld to protect the innocent), who was older, but a bit of a nerd. David would use the Simon, and the rest of us little kids had to pretend to be animals, and he would “control” us with the sound of the Simon game. All of this occurred to the background soundtrack of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.”
Oh, LeeLee. . .
Monday, December 14th, 2009Look what one of those Kardashians named her kid!
Kinda like when we had Matilda and two weeks later, Heath Ledger and that Michelle girl had a baby and named HER Matilda. Evidently, though, most people still think it’s an ugly name, because it didn’t take off. Looks like Dash might be trendy now!
Baby names are fun!