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Our Vacay

April 11th, 2007

Went to the lake for a week for Rollie’s spring break. I unplugged for a week – no internet for over seven days. That was kind of strange, but much-needed.

We had a nice week, although we only had one warm day for the kids to play in the water before it turned freezing. So, to keep from getting bored and cabin feverish, we tried to stay busy. We did some “fishing” – Fishing with kids rarely means you catch anything. It just consists of sitting around talking and trying to keep the kids from throwing the rods in the water, or falling in themselves. We went to the Uncle Remus Museum in Eatonton, the birthplace of Joel Chandler Harris. We walked around fabulous downtown Eatonton. “Sleepy” describes the area to a T. Tiller and Lisa and I checked out the flea market in downtown Milledgeville. We also ate cake and had coffee at Blackbird Coffee, which is a surprisingly nice coffee shop for middle Georgia. They even have free wi-fi; I did not partake of that.

On Saturday, we bundled up the kids and went to Andalusia, the farm that was the home of Flannery O’Connor and where she lived while writing all of her novels. I have been meaning to go there for years, but the weather never cooperated. (Read: It was always too nice, and I chose to float on an inner tube drinking cheap beer out of the can, rather than following my literary desires.) The farm is on over 500 acres, and has, in addition to the antebellum farmhouse, numerous outbuildings, a pond, and they are creating some nature trails. Did I mention they have a resident donkey pony? Flossie. She is cute.

The kids just loved running around willy-nilly on the property, and seeing Flossie. Tiller and I spoke with the old woman who feeds Flossie every day, rain or shine. She drove up in a Honda CRV-type vehicle, and when she got out, I almost laughed out loud. She was wearing a long dress coat, the kind your Grandma would wear to church on Sunday, complete with a black dress hat with big red flowers on it. She and her dog, Champ, a spastic lab mix came out and fed Flossie, and Tiller and I watched the picture of this woman, her young dog, and the donkey. The woman, with her dress clothes on, tossed out a bale of hay for Flossie, the dog frolicking around the barn, and Flossie nuzzling the woman’s pockets for treats. It was perfect, just like a character out of O’Connor’s novels.

It was pretty cool to see the bedroom where Flannery wrote. (She lived in a downstairs room, since she couldn’t walk upstairs.) They still have the room as she kept it, with her desk and typewriter placed facing away from the front windows, so that she wouldn’t be distracted by the view of the pond (the equivalent to the Internet distraction of writers today?) I tried to imagine her sitting there, typing out Wise Blood on the typewriter, but it was easier imagining her stories when you walk the grounds and see how her environment played such a huge part in the settings of her writings. Andalusia is at once beautiful, especially in early spring, with everything blooming and coming alive, and still eerie as hell, as if you can hear the echoes of her characters voices emanating from the dilapidated outbuildings. I was inspired.

Sunday was Easter. We woke up and ate a buttload of candy. Tiller accidentally ate peanut butter. I am a shitty parent. Then we dressed them in their Easter outfits (note that Tiller’s included leggings, rather than tights, which is so, like, something I would wear in 1990, except that hers didn’t have holes in them.) My Mom and Dad were coming up that morning. Mom made a ham and homemade potato salad, which were really good, but kind of weird because I don’t think of them as a meal you eat when it is 30 degrees out. Then Dad and I bundled up and hid the Easter eggs.

We froze our asses off while the kids ran around the yard finding eggs. Then we attempted to get a few good shots of the kids all dressed up. Basically, it was one big windburned, snot-nosed mess. Then we went inside, stuffed our faces, and headed home.

Poop Jokes are Funny

April 11th, 2007

They really are.

Yesterday afternoon, I was changing Tiller. When one of the kids has a really large poopy diaper, I exclaim “Poop-O-Rama!” Everyone gets excited. Tiller was excited about her Poop-O-Rama, and as she is starting to mimic everything we say, she let out a gleeful, “Poop-O-Mama!!!”

Today, I had Rollie try to go on the potty. I try to remind him hourly and after eating or drinking. Today has been a banner day – so far, no poop in the diaper. Only on the potty. To my joy, Rollie said, “I have to go poop.” I told him to go, go, go. He rushed to the bathroom, took off his pants and diaper, sat up on the toilet, and closed the bathroom door. He sat for a second, and I was on the couch waiting to hear something from him, when he opened up the door and darted out towards his toy box.

Me: “Did you poop?”

Rollie: “No, I just need to get a magazine.”

Such a little man.

Phew! I’m Back.

April 9th, 2007

You might be wondering what happened to me. Spring Break happened to me. Rollie had a week off from school, so we took the kids and went to the Lake for a week. It was nice, at least for a day or two, then it was freezing. Anyway, we got back yesterday and I am just getting back into the swing of things, but thought I’d let anybody who cares know that I didn’t die or anything. I just spent a week with the family.

Oh, and I didn’t get on a computer for seven whole days. Kind of refreshing to remember what it is like to live unwired for a week. I read, I cleaned house. I took a few walks. I sat in the yard and watched the moon rise. I drank not as much as one might think I would.

Of course, it was so cold that I also watched a shit load of television and somehow got addicted to a show about working on Alaskan crab boats.

But no email. No cel phone. And I mostly listened to the radio, which might sound terrible, but the local station out of Eatonton, Georgia is about the funniest thing ever. The commercials star people’s grandchildren, like Lydia and Hannah (of “I’m Hannah, come see my Nana!” fame) and a commercial they play over and over for a butcher shop, I guess, with a theme song containing a chorus of “It’s the meats, It’s the meats, It’s because of the wonderful meats!!!!”

Good stuff. Anyway, I’m back and I’m overwhelmed. Laundry, email, getting Rollie to school, worrying about frozen plants. Mold on the bread when I’ve already promised the pbj. Crises of that sort.

Kinda missed this place.

I Think I Am, But I am No Different Than the Dumb Masses

March 29th, 2007

I feel like I haven’t been reading very much lately, but I do think i have been thinking about fiction and writing, and it is seeping into my blogging. Here is another one, except not really about literature per se, but more about one of the rockstars of modern literature: Gabriel Garcia Marquez. (I am too lazy to figure out the accents, but I know where they belong.)

“Rockstar,” you say?

You see, the New York Times contained an interesting article this morning about Garcia Marquez and the shiner he received from fellow author, Peruvian Mario Vargas Llosa (whom I have never read). A photographer captured the black eye, received in the 70’s as part of a thirty-year feud between the authors.

Aside from being a really cool photograph, the story behind it is completely titillating. I could not help myself, as soon as I saw the headline, from clicking to read the full article, and even more, to see the picture itself.

And that is when it hit me. This has nothing to do with Garcia Marquez’s masterpiece One Hundred Years of Solitude. It has everything to do with me wanting to know the details behind his feud with another author, over a woman no less.

And really, how does that make me much different than these losers who want to know the grisly details of Anna Nicole Smith’s life and death? My interest in the individual may stem from a different source (my love for his writing) than theirs (Wealth? Fame? Large Breasts? I cannot begin to imagine why one would be so interested in someone so completely void of holding interest for me.) But in the end, the lowest common denominator is that I wanted to see the black eye, and hear the lurid story of one author’s life in much the same way that millions want to see Britney’s shaved head.

Quite humbling, really.

Note to Self

March 28th, 2007

Next time someone at the church preschool asks you to come help out tomorrow because they might need a few extra hands with both class pictures and the Easter egg hunt occurring on the same day, all somewhere between 9 a.m. and noon?

Run.

You will no doubt end up both running the whole Easter Egg hunt and being in charge of capturing the whole thing on digital. I had to hide eggs for the one year old class, then help them hunt for them, then the two year old class eggs had to be hidden, then the three year olds had to find theirs.

After each group went, we then had to have them turn their baskets in, so that we could distribute the eggs back out evenly. (Neal Boortz would keel over at this “redistribution of wealth” lesson in action.)

You think the animal kingdom is cutthroat? You should see these little things pushing, shoving, and biting – yes, biting – to get a cheap plastic egg with a Peep in it. Human beings, on their basest level, are not pretty.

And the fact that I am leading the Easter egg hunt and I don’t even know if I believe in the whole resurrection story? Well, that is just . . . ironic. And so very, very not punk rock.

How to Charm Annie

March 27th, 2007

Dooce has this cute thing she calls “How to Charm Me.” I often think of things that the kids and husband do that are just downright charming and then I forget to share them. Not today!

How Rollie charmed Annie today:

Three year olds talk a lot. I mean a LOT. They pretty much wake up, walk out of their room, come in your room, tell you to wake up, and then bombard you with constant questions for the next, oh, thirteen hours or so. Non-stop. You don’t have children and you think I am exaggerating; I am not. It is the Spanish fucking inquisition over here.

Before I have coffee, I just nod and say uh-huh, even when Rollie says,

“Mama, mama, mama, mama. I asked you a question. Mama, I asked you a question. Mama!! I asked you a question.”

The question is usually,

“Mama, why do cars just bump?”

Translation: Why do cars bump into each other in races and get into wrecks? Sometimes, it is

“Mama, why do you like coffee?”

I want to tell him the truth, which is that I am addicted to coffee and I can’t handle his fucking questions all day without drinking it. Instead i say,

Me: “Because it is good.”
Him: “Why it’s good?”
Me: “It just is. Drink your milk.”

Kids questions aren’t influenced by the constraints of physics in any way whatsoever. Last night, Rollie asked us

“Why can’t you go outside the walls?”

We aren’t sure what this means, but i think he was trying to find out why we can’t walk through walls, and well, damn. The explanation for that is over my head, how the fuck am I going to explain it to him? A good answer for one like that is

“Go ask your father.”

And yes, I now often answer him with only “Because,” or even the dreaded “Because I said so.” You may judge me for this when you have walked a mile in my shoes and listened to the incessant damn interrogation.

Biology is a remarkable thing. Survival of the Fittest actually extends to human children. In addition to their little immune systems and ability to heal from wounds quickly, they also have this neat little mechanism where, just about the time you are going to wring their little necks if they utter another syllable, they pop out with something so funny, or absurd, or clever, that you bust out laughing and forget to kill them. Case in point:

“Mama, when is bunny coming?”
“Easter.”
“When is Easter?”
“Easter Sunday.”
“Tomorrow?”
“No. Sunday after next.”
“What is Sunday?”
“The day after Saturday.”
“Is Tiller going to have candy?”
“If y’all are good, you will both get candy for Easter.”
“From the Buster Bunny?

And that, folks, is what happens when you have been watching Bugs Bunny and talking about the Easter Bunny all in the same day.

Please Do Not Break My Heart, Filmmaker

March 26th, 2007

A while ago, I read an article in Oprah’s magazine, O, about an actress’ favorite novels. It is a recurring article in the magazine, and my favorite part of a magazine that I actually think is really great. They ask famous people about their ten favorite books, and the people list them, and also tell what was so inspiring about them. For example, here‘s what Laura Linney told O about her favorite books.

I don’t know what it is about that feature that always draws me in: I do have a terrible habit of always trying to see what complete strangers are reading. If I am in a coffee shop, I will look around at every person in there to see if one of them is reading something that I have never heard of before, or something i love already. I love the voyeuristic nature of looking over someone’s shoulder, much like checking out a person’s bookshelf at home, or their CD collection. I guess it is that peep into someone’s reading choices that I like about it, and even better, the people tell you why they liked them. As if by seeing a person’s reading choices, I could know what makes them tick. God, if Oprah could only get Christian Bale to reveal his favorites and why.

Anyway, I think the actress being interviewed this particular month was the love interest from the movie Pearl Harbor. (Can’t remember her name, but she is so beautiful that I was sure her choices would be dumb as hell. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do hate beautiful people.) I can’t remember any of the other books she listed, but in particular, the way she discussed Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series really struck me as the way I talked about some of my favorite books. I made a note to myself to check them out next time I was at a bookstore and then promptly forgot about them until a couple months later when I happened to run across them while looking for something completely different. I picked them up and then devoured all three in less than two weeks.

They are children’s books, supposedly, or maybe young adult, although the last book gets a little out of what I would consider the realm of children’s fiction. They are set in present-day Oxford, but with so many layers of parallel universes in the books, they sometimes have an almost Victorian sensibility that then throws you for a fantastic loop. Like other beloved children’s novels by Rowling, Lewis, and even Tolkien (yes, i am throwing the comparison out there!), these books create their own world, similar enough to our own to be believable and so completely different as to capture the imagination completely. I loved everything about them – from the not so elementary emotional subjects tackled, to Lyra, the smart little cookie of a protagonist. The antagonist is as love-to-hate as Cruella DeVille, and the other characters, (including humans, animals, and witches) are all so real you could reach out and touch them. The books are three of my favorites, and the thing that most impresses me about them is that I could have read them at ten and enjoyed them just as much as I did in my early 30s. They have that quality that I adore in a novel – the ability to work on as many levels as the universes contained within.

After finishing them, about the same time as the last of The Lord of the Rings trilogy films arrived in theaters, I thought to myself,

“Dear God, please make a movie of these books. Wait. No, God, please don’t. There is no way that I can bear another of my favorite books distorted and watered down and ruined for me on the big screen. I don’t think the success of the LOTR film adaptation can be repeated.”

I go through this all the time at the thought of favorite novels adapted for the big screen. At times, though my desire to see the film is there, I will just pretend it was never made, knowing that some director’s vision will never match what I have created in my own mind of what a book looks, feels, and sounds like.

I experienced both sadness and excitement when Todd told me they were making The Golden Compass into a film. For the last year or so, I have loosely followed the casting for the film. (Nicole Kidman as Mrs. Coulter – Brilliant choice! Sam Elliott as Lee Scoresby? Perfection. Some newcomer with the god-awful name Dakota Blue Richards as my beloved Lyra? I shudder to think what the result will be.)

And then today, Todd sent me the following link to the director’s teaser trailer on YouTube. I debated watching it. To watch it is to change the image I have in my head of Lyra and the rest forever.

I totally watched it. It looks really great. Even Dakota Blue, although she looks nothing like I imagined. Gollum looked different than I imagined, too, though, and I really like him now.

If you have read and loved the novels, you might want to check out the Daemon Name Generator and How to Read the Alethiometer.

Cool stuff, but I am kind of glad there was no internet when I was reading other childhood favorites. I may never have learned to drink, or lost my virginity, or gone off to college. I think I would still be sitting up in my room reading some WikiNerdOPedia.

The Blazer Assuages Guilt

March 23rd, 2007


After my post on Wednesday, I started thinking: Wow, my husband might not be so jazzed about my discussing past smooches on my website, now that I am like a married woman and supposedly-upstanding citizen. It also occurred to me that the cheated-on ex might read that lovely little tidbit, but i am assuming that there is some kind of statute of limitations on how long after an incident one can still justifiably consider oneself wronged, especially when we haven’t been together in almost ten years, and for the last six of those years the perpetrator (that would be me) has been happily married to someone else.

It’s not like I’ve ever been fired for what I’ve written, but I have had a couple instances where people were not too happy about what I had written. Feelings have been hurt. People have worried that feelings would be hurt if certain people who don’t read Dogwood Girl ever did come across it. Let me say for the record that I love my family and I love my in-laws, and truth be told, they are the absolutely most wonderful in-laws I could imagine having, even if they don’t serve me wine on holidays. They are just very different from my own family, and it is in those differences that I often find humor and feel compelled to write about it. I am pretty open about what I say on Dogwood Girl, and I am not ashamed of anything I have written.

There are some things that I haven’t written about, though; I am proud of the restraint I have shown in some cases. There have been times where it would feel really good to give someone a good razing, but diplomacy wins out, at least occasionally, with me. This is some great peak of maturation that I never thought I would begin to scale; I am not known for my tact. I am not known for my compassion, sympathy, empathy, sensitivity, or any pussy adjectives like that. I don’t mean to hurt feelings, but I do mean to be honest and truthful and direct, and that often means that people get hurt. Oops.

Anyway, I was thinking about this when my husband came home from a work thing the other night. Todd is in advertising, and when ad people get together, they drink. Todd came in a little merry and I knew something had put him in a good mood. I wrote a while back about Todd’s weight loss. (I am very proud of him.) Well, since he has lost the weight and started wearing the blazer, he is really starting to wrack up the female attention. Some of my married male friends have mentioned that girls come onto them more since they married than they did before. This is strange, but I can see it. Girls are bitches for the most part. Anyway, a friend of Todd’s was talking to some girls at the party and I don’t know the context of the whole conversation, but he said, “Are there any cute guys here?” Guess who one of them thought was the cutest guy there? Yep, that’d be my husband. I could tell Todd felt good about it (who wouldn’t?) and maybe a little sheepish.

Me? I have no problem with it. I think he deserves every last bit of it and I like to see him feel good about himself. Also? It means that if he is at work parties talking to young girls (did I mention she was a young thing?) who think he is cute, then I can pretty much talk about whatever the fuck i want on here, with no guilt.

The Times Have Changed

March 21st, 2007

Last night, I took a night away from the kids and had a burger at the EARL (best burgers in America!) and then hit the coffee shop to write for a little while. Over dinner on the sidewalk, I read Todd’s Men’s Journal. There was an article about the 50 Best Places to Live. Two Atlanta towns were on the list. Dahlonegha, which I could see, and Gainesville. Huh? Gainesville was on the “bedroom community” list. Basically, i think they were saying that you could live there and commute to Atlanta every day. Obviously, these jerks don’t actually drive in Atlanta, or they would know that a 50-mile commute in Atlanta can take three hours to complete on a bad day.

Also? It’s Gainesville.

Wow, got a little off subject there. What I was really thinking, as I ate my Blue Bacon Burger and gazed at The East Side Lounge across the street, was this: Things have really changed for me in less than ten years.

East Side Lounge used to be The Fountainhead. I remember a February night back in 1999, when I left the bar with friends Honey and Andy, and my sister. We were pretty loaded, and as I got in the car with them (Lisa was not so loaded, and she was driving,) we discussed the people we had met that night. Thoughts on Robin’s friend, Todd? I believe I said, “He seemed really nice.” Then we proceeded to discuss a couple other people Honey and I hadn’t seen since college and they looked exactly the same! And then there was that weirdness of seeing two guys that I hooked up with in college. One I made out with on the roof of my boyfriend-at-the-time’s house while said boyfriend was in the house below. Everyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I am way classier now, but word to the wise, children – you cheat on your boyfriend, even if it’s the only time you have ever cheated, and even if it was only a stupid drunk kiss, you might just end up running into someone you might not want to hanging out with the man you will marry; Karma is a total bitch like that. The other i made out with at a party, then ended up living with platonically later and who turned out to be a total psychopath.

I mean, pretty memorable night! You run into two former hookups and the man you will spend the rest of your life with, all in one night, in one little bar, in one little corner of Atlanta and the world. I was giddy that night, leaving the bar, and I like to think that while part of it was the alcohol, part of it was some deep part of me that felt and knew on an almost cellular level that I had met The One.

I don’t know, but things sure have changed since February 1999. Now I am just sitting here blogging in our second house in the same neighborhood, and trying to block out the sound of my kids beating the shit out of each other with Hot Wheels and lunchboxes.

Not that I’m complaining. I kind of like my life better now than i did back then. But I wouldn’t mind a drunken evening at The Fountainhead with my husband again, and the following day sans kids to recover. March 31st anyone? March 31st is the night.

Oh, and everybody wish Dogwood Girl’s Daddy a big old HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you, Dad.

Rumination on the Vernal Equinox

March 20th, 2007

Happy Vernal Equinox!

Well, really it is tomorrow (Mar 21), but since it is based on Greenwich Mean Time, in the U.S. it falls at about 8:07 PM tonight. There is something so frightening about the universe, or at least our little piece of it, coming together in such a brilliant alignment.

Little-known fact about me: I kind of loosely follow nerdy things like eclipses, meteor showers, the equinox, etc. I can lose hours reading The Old Farmer’s Almanac. I think there is something almost romantic about the lost art of following astronomy, and of having an appreciation for the changing of the seasons. Just a hundred years ago, people really paid attention to first and last freezes, moon phases, and the like. These things had great bearing on when and where and how crops were planted and harvested. Now, we never pay a bit of attention. We just buy our wilted, pesticide-treated lettuce at Kroger with not a thought of how it came to be there.

Here is this amazing knowledge and tradition, followed for thousands of years, and then lost in the blink of an eye that is the 20th century.

Okay, off to put the kids back in the crate and take a few more bong hits.